Dear Miranda,

Okay, so I caught my girl in bed with my best friend. How do I get her back?

— Chris, 21

Dear Chris,

I most sincerely hope that by “”get her back”” you mean “”actually finding a way to hurt and humiliate her”” as opposed to find a way to make her come back to you. The main reason I hope this is because she has hurt and humiliated you. As such, she should come crawling back on her hands and knees, begging forgiveness, not the other way around. Do not, under any circumstances, attempt to woo her with gifts, begging or blasting cheesy love songs outside her window like John Cusack in “”Say Anything.””

What you should do is show her that you don’t care: you don’t want her back; you aren’t hurt; and now you’re sleeping with someone way hotter than she is, anyway. This is probably not true, but she needs to believe it is. If she sees that you’re not a complete and total loser over her, she’ll be thrown off balance and ask, “”Why doesn’t he care? Why, why, why?””

For some reason, girls love guys who are jerks. So flaunt your incredible jerkiness in front of her at every turn. Make sure she sees you making out with at least two different (and very hot) girls. Act indifferent. This is the most likely way to make her grovel at your feet for a second chance.

And really, even if it doesn’t have that effect, doesn’t it sound like fun?

Vengefully,

Miranda

P.S. As for your former best friend, if you’re feeling particularly vindictive, it would be evil of you to let a few people know his most embarrassing secrets. Of course, by evil, I mean “”right.””

Dear Miranda,

I’m dating this really great guy who happens to be married. He swears that he doesn’t love his wife, he loves me and his wife doesn’t understand him. He swears that I’m the only one for him. All of the sudden, I have chlamydia and gonorrhea. Is he cheating on me?

— No Name Please, 19

Dear No Name,

Sweetie, darling, honey, of course he’s cheating on you with his freaking wife. And maybe some other girl, too, who knows? But then again, you’re not really in a position to complain. If I were you, I’d leave “”your”” man to his wife and other assorted side dishes and find out what course of treatment you need to follow to get rid of the sexually transmitted infections.

If (and it pains me to imagine this scenario) you choose not to get rid of Mr. Wonderful, be sure you both get treated for chlamydia and gonorrhea. Otherwise, you could go on reinfecting each other forever. And while we’re on the subject, why, why, why aren’t you using condoms?

Acetominophenly,

Miranda