Working at a coffee stand on campus, zoning out between the rushes during class breaks, is like viewing a time-lapse film of UCSD students as they trek between classes. And I must say, you all look pretty silly.
Most of you look exhausted, with your backs bent from textbooks, eyes half open, squinting at the ground. If I didn’t know any better, I’d think you were looking for Scantron circles. Similar to crop circles, these are tiny runes left during the night by alien engineering majors, trying to communicate Higher JAVA concepts to our backward civilization’s brightest and most introverted minds. I call the slow stroll of these hunchbacks the Grad Student, after its inventor.
Occasionally, ensconced in a cloud of chatter, a cluster of students will meander along the walkway, weaving through and being tripped over by the herd of ground-gazers. Their walk looks like a cross between a very emotive speed-skater and a popular 80s line-dance. I call this walk The Elective Slide.
If you’d like to learn how to do the Elective Slide, the first thing you’re going to need to find is a slippery slope. Start with a difficult major, which you find conceptually exciting but effectively sleep-inducing in practice. I recommend something with lots of recta-linear algebra, or a programming language originally designed for computers slower than your graphing calculator. If you don’t know enough math to know whether there’s such a thing as recta-linear algebra, and have no idea what the computing power of your calculator is, congratulations! You’re sure to be a natural slider.
The first step of the Elective Slide is the Major Failure (MF). Many students get tripped up by the MF because they think that in order to fail a G-chem or calculus class, they need to do a lot of strenuous studying, often resulting in a lot of uncomfortable textbook faceplants and library naps. In fact, the MF is the simplest move of all; It simply requires that the student remain completely still, perhaps occasionally fidgeting or checking their e-mail.
The next step is the Massive Justification (MJ). Without an appropriately grandiose justification, guilt and personal responsibility might unnecessarily trip up the student during later steps. During this step, and subsequent steps, honest communication with parents may be distracting.
Next, you have to firmly plant your butt in an easier class. Be sure to check around for the right class. Some introductory classes in easy majors are much harder than the major’s more advanced work. These classes are called Weeders, and will chew through your ass and spit out human Jamba Juice, sans fiber boost. The purpose of a Weeder is to prevent sliders and other ne’er-do-wells from progressing, thereby protecting the major for serious, dedicated scholars of the field. These are people who actually take fluff like political science and psychology seriously: Fluffers.
Even if they manage to find an easy introductory class, some beginning sliders get discouraged when they first enter the discipline and are confronted by fluffers and their seemingly impressive, engorged body of knowledge. Fluffers simply like to puff themselves up with ridiculous jargon. The antidote is the tried and true note card. With every textbook you get, make a note card for all the long, funny-sounding words in the glossary, and learn them however you can. My favorite is the Clueless method: trying to work one word a day into conversation. “”The Raiders had quite an extinction burst, but the Broncos were able to limit the resultant reinforcements.”” Another fun method, taught to me by Reveller Jason Grosz, is to insert political jargon into haiku, birthing the poli-sci-coup: “”Eucalyptus sunrise/Zoroastrian command economy/awake, sad fiscal sky.”” Most important, be creative: Play Kantian pursuit, introduce critical gender studies into the bedroom and kick out ill freestyles on urban sprawl. You’ll be rebuffing the fluff in no time.
The final and most important step in the Slide is the Major Swap (MS). Sometimes you have to go through an intermediate partner or two before arriving at your final destination. Don’t be afraid to play the field, but try to settle before desperation sets in. My personal slide was the Biochem-CogSci-Psychology conga: stylish yet sensible. But more ambitious friends of mine have arrived at sociology by way of humanities, Latin and classics. Seriously, this guy declared majors without having even taken a class in them. All I have to say is: What a slut. But remember, only you know the compromised goals that are right for you. If you still have trouble finding an easy major, buy a Ouija board. Believe me, Ouija boards are totally artsy and chill. There’s no way a psychic implement would ever recommend that you learn C++. It would be, like, a conflict of interest.
Follow these easy steps and you’ll be sliding gracefully in no time. Don’t be surprised when your more attractive classmates start noticing your haircuts, inviting you on open-ended social outings, and dropping objects near you and expecting you to pick them up, like playful, naughty babies. Now all you’ll need is an internship, to prepare you for a career in a relevant field. The school coffee carts are currently accepting applications for barristas and cashiers. If you aren’t ready to work yet, there are a few things you can do to prepare even now. Here’s a suggestion: Next time you get a coffee, tip.