I thought that my last column issued a clear proclamation to those who want to cause problems: Stay in your ugly, smelly towns and accept your loss to us with some dignity!

That said, I may have underestimated the illiteracy rate at Cal State San Bernardino. Those punks came into Triton Soccer Stadium on Oct. 26 and decided to cause a ruckus.

It all started when their women’s team got beaten 3-0 in the opener. Check that: Our team got beaten — CSUSB just lost the game. In San Bernardino, they have a problem explaining the concept of team sports to young children, so in all their youth leagues, they explain it this way:

“”Soccer is like being in a gang. You wear the same color and you run around together hitting anyone who comes near you and trying to do as much damage as possible.””

It doesn’t take a 1,600 SAT score to understand that, which is a good thing, because most students at CSUSB still think the test is out of 1,000. Who cares, anyway? I mean, we all know the test is biased; it’s clearly discriminatory against stupid people.

So after all that happened, the men’s game started. UCSD got on the board early and then Mr. Jason “”I’m white but I think I’m hard, kind of like Eminem only without talent”” Koza scored for the Coyotes to even the game. A bunch of my friends and I were chilling in our couches, which we’d set up down by the field, and Koza comes by to rub it in. Big mistake.

First of all Jason, you just tied the score in a Division II soccer game, you didn’t win the World Cup. Second, your team sucks! There’s a reason that CSUSB has gone 4-7-1 in conference this year, and my guess is that the problem was not lack of proper celebration. Third, Mr. Koza, I don’t know if you realize this, but when you talk to the crowd, we’re going to talk right back and get in your head. And that’s a dark, lonely and empty place that you don’t want us rattling around in.

In the second half, Jason proved us right on every point when he tripped over the ball late in the game and fell on his face while UCSD went on to score the winning goal, but he still doesn’t win the moron-of-the-night award.

That distinction goes to the CSUSB women’s soccer team and their boyfriends (or were they brothers? In places like San Bernardino, you just can’t tell sometimes). These lovely ladies came down to field level and started to pick a fight with me and my friends. They did not appreciate our picking on Jason and the rest of his gang — err … team — and told us to either shut up or fight. Seem familiar?

Anyway, we continued to watch the game while one of their girls kept yelling. She called my friend a chicken for not wanting to fight. No wait, she must have used a smaller word. Seven letters would have been a new record for her.

“”I’m from the ghetto; I came here to fight,”” she said.

I smiled. “”It’s a good thing,”” I thought to myself, “”because you’re a lot better at picking fights than playing soccer.””

The moral of the story is that the Tritons win, the morons lose and I end up having to teach these guys a lesson. Get on the bus with me and the rest of Triton Tide on Nov. 1 when we travel to San Bernardino to watch a little volleyball and meet up with our old friends from the soccer game for more hilarity. It’s like watching a Chris Farley movie, except that they won’t be acting.

You can sign up online, but I can’t give you any guarantee you’ll get to meet Jason.

He’ll probably be off practicing his next celebration.