Graduating gadfly offers ideas for making a mark

You won’t see me walking to accept a diploma this spring, but after graduation day you won’t see me around campus much either. Despite my best efforts, I am about done satisfying the requirements for a bachelor of science degree in psychology. Since I hate taking classes and I hate giving money to the regents, I’m taking this opportunity to pack my bags and move on.

I’ve received enough glory as the best C.A.P.E. runner, the smartest Grove Caffe custodian, the meanest Guardian opinion writer and the grandfather of UCSD wall-ball. Also for helping to revitalize Student Run Television, defeat the New Wave barbarians, preserve the La Jolla house party scene and sexually harrass Brother Jed Smock and his family.

For all that I’ve hated my classes, I’ve made the most of the time I spent ditching them. I’ve been involved in almost everything that goes on in this community. Sometimes I stayed involved just long enough to give my opinion before moving on. I may be the youngest gadfly on record. I’m thinking of publishing all these opinions and maybe calling it “”The Wasserman Protocols.”” To inspire your own contribution to this community, or just to amuse you for awhile, here is a sampling.

If you have trouble finding parking near campus, you could take a bucket of paint to North Torrey Pines where it heads away from campus towards downtown La Jolla. Paint white lines for parallel parking and you could be responsible for as many as ten new spaces!

Someone needs to fix the university’s clocks: Center Hall is five minutes ahead of Warren Lecture Hall.

Someone needs to stop academic departments from using C.A.P.E. forms to make hiring and tenure decisions.

Someone needs to turn the bike shop back into a co-op.

Someone needs to bring back the “”I agree with Michael”” campaign, because ongoing tensions between Muslims and Jews on campus are giving Christians too good of a name.

You could secretly remove all the moveable rocks from the rock garden in the middle of the Humanities and Social Sciences building, because a rock garden with rocks that spell out Greek letters isn’t very zen.

If you don’t like walking, build better bike paths through campus. You could secretly chop down eucalyptus trees in the name of ecological purity. If you don’t like driving to school, help convince the San Diego Transit Authority to build a trolley line to campus.

Someone needs to teach Vice Chancellor of Student Affairs Joe Watson how to be more likeable and trustworthy. Someone needs to teach the Assistant Vice Chancellor of Student Legal Affairs Nick Aguilar how to like students. Someone needs to replace Chancellor Robert Dynes with a new chancellor who will fire people who are not liked and trusted by students.

You could help the A.S. Council achieve financial autonomy, so that the University doesn’t control our money. You could help the University Centers Advisory Board (which makes recommendations about how to spend our fee money for the Price Center and Student Center) do the same thing. Once upon a time they were not “”advisory.””

You see, there is just so much left to do here. I almost wish I wasn’t leaving.

Whoops, I feel nostalgia coming on … can’t resist … must succumb to wonderful memories: taking my pet cactus for a walk in a pot with wheels on a shoestring leash … writing a Koala personal (back when they were funny) about how gorgeous the Food Co-op women are, and seeing it posted in the Food Co-op … realizing that I made more money working student jobs in my sophomore year than I paid to be a student … having sex in the Grove Caffe office … watching Eugene Mahmoud shed a single tear of joy when Student’s First swept the election … hearing the Rabbinical School Dropouts play at the Che … standing onstage at Sun God for 90 minutes, eight feet away from Cake … seeing newly-elected A.S. President Jenn Brown present the ASUCSD budget …

Yes, it’s been a good few years.