basically

    Being politically correct nowadays is a crock of shit.

    Or, to be PC about it, it’s not-so-nice-smelling excrement that is generally offensive, except maybe to the dung beetle, which is also a member of our planet and thus deserves our utmost consideration.

    The other day, I was walking to class and happened to hear a guy call out, “”Hey babe, what’s up?”” to a female friend.

    She stopped dead in her tracks, whirled around and proceeded to rip his face off.

    Girl (clearly in the throes of premenstrual syndrome): “”Why do you always call me that? I am not a babe. I’m 20-fucking-years-old!””

    Guy (desperately searching for his face): “”Sorry.””

    Needless to say, this was an extremely shocking thing to hear. I mean, I thought that girl was way older than 20.

    Haha. Just kidding. Actually, I was genuinely surprised. I mean, my boyfriend calls me “”babe”” all the time, and I personally think it’s cute. (I should note, however, that because my boyfriend is over three years older than I am, calling me a “”babe”” may be more for the sake of accuracy than affection.)

    OK, so I guess girls don’t like to be called “”babes.”” Fine. Let’s call them women.

    But a couple of weekends ago, there were signs all over campus for a “”Womyn’s Conference.”” Apparently the word “”woman”” has the power to discriminate against and oppress females. Good to know. I certainly felt liberated after reading that sign.

    At this point, I think it would be incredibly politically incorrect (even for me) to infer, just to get a laugh, that the people attending that conference were of the lesbian persuasion. So I won’t go there.

    But I do think they were looking at the word “”woman”” all wrong. OK, it has the word “”man”” in it. Apparently that means women were just an afterthought of the male gender, tacked on the word “”man”” like an accessory.

    Let’s look at it another way. We start with the term “”man.”” Good word. Three letters, short, to the point. Nice job. But could we do better? Of course we could!

    How could we make a better word? A word that means something different but somehow still relates? My God, yes! I see it now! We could add more letters! Not a lot — that would just be a madness of excess. Too much of a good thing, and all that.

    OK, so we’ll only add a few new letters. Say, two. Yes, two would be just enough to make a distinctly new word. Now, where to put them … ? I suppose they could go after the original word “”man,”” but that would imply that this new word (stay with me people, the word is “”woman””) is somehow less important.

    By God, no! It shall not be! We shall put the new letters in front! It will be a revolution. We will improve the “”man”” with these new letters and thus spell “”woman,”” a newer, better term.

    See what I mean? If you take out the word “”man”” from “”woman,”” you undermine our whole premise of superiority. Dumbasses!

    Right. Or you could just argue that we still pronounce the “”man”” part when we actually say “”woman,”” so what the hell do you accomplish by changing the spelling? A lot of confused first-graders, but that’s pretty much it.

    Besides, imagine the horror that our daily conversations would become if we resorted to talking in solely politically correct terms.

    Person No. 1: “”Hey.””

    Person No. 2: “”Hey? Hay is for horses! Are you trying to imply that I am a horse? How dare you animalize me like that!””

    OK, let’s try again.

    Person No. 1: “”Hi.””

    Person No. 2: “”Oh I see. So I must be low, is that it? You’re a superior being, are you? I don’t think so!””

    Hmm. Nice try.

    Person No. 1: “”What’s up?””

    Person No. 2: “”Ha! I’ll tell you what’s up: All the oppressive, hegemonic forces in this so-called democratic country that are subtly working to keep me down. That’s what’s up!””

    So what we’re left with is:

    Person No. 1: “”I extend greetings to you, fellow member and equal of the human race.””

    Person No. 2: “”OK.””

    So basically, people need to stop worrying about being offensive and they need to stop getting too uppity about every little thing. In other words: Cut the bullshit, babe.

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