Author Offers Tips for UCSD Freshmen

Lawdamercy, 10th week is upon us like stink on a York bathroom, which is to say it’s already halfway down our throats before we have time to think about gagging. Those who have done their time at this fine university know whereof I speak, and those that do not are frosh.

But worry not, oh freshly ones, for you too will taste the fetid joy that is a York Hall chemistry lecture. But are there other joys of UCSD living you maybe missing? Not if you follow the following handy-dandy, ultra-indispensable,stick-in-your-pocket-for-when-you-want-to-save-your-gum list of The Top Ten Things All Frosh Must Do By The End Of The Year!

It may be too late in the quarter for some of these things, but don’t get discouraged, you still have winter and spring.

Numero uno:

Get your athletic money’s worth.

Go to a damn sports game. College isn’t college without painting yourself with zit-causing greasepaint and screaming at some poor out-of-town team that’s getting utterly crushed, and our fair Tritons do an amazing job of regularly providing us with a chance to do just that.

But that’s not enough. You also have to join an intramural sports team. I mean you have to. Even if you join as a cheerleader or goal post, get out there for the informal sports fun. And you have to use RiMAC. Or rIMAc. Or whatever it is. At least because we’re all paying out the ass for it. And play a pick-up game of wall-ball with me next to the ATMs in the Student Center.

Numero dos:

Get your groove on.

You have to go to enough parties, no joke, and at least once get puked on, puke on someone else, watch your crush puke, or something along these lines. This is college, folks. It’s gross, but it’ll prepare you for dirty diapers.

You also have to actually participate, at least once, in substance use. Don’t break any laws I can get blamed for. Be the sober baby sitter for a bunch of drunks/trippers/what-have-you, if staying straight suits you. Personally, I love sobriety, but I never knew how much so until I used drugs.

Numero tres:

Get educated.

When you are sure you are sober, go to your professors’ office hours. You are peeing money into the gutter if you don’t. These academic idiots and geniuses are on your payroll (if you ignore the huge state subsidies). Bringing homework or questions about a test does not count. Go to talk about ideas and information, not grades and exams. Remember the word “”learning?””

Numero cuatro:

Get the hell off campus.

TJ with your suitemates only counts if it’s in the daytime. Downtown San Diego counts if you talk to a street person for more than five minutes. If you go to Planet Hollywood, fugedaboutit. The point here is to experience real off-campus culture, not prepackaged consumer goods. Going somewhere in La Jolla doesn’t count, ever, unless it’s $1 beer night at Karl Strauss and you sneak in and give a big tip to my housemate (the buxom blonde with freckles whose name starts with “”A””). Chula Vista counts all the time. So does Joshua Tree. I recommend the excellent services of the Outback Adventures Office, located right behind the notoriously hard-to- find Roosevelt College.

Numero cinco:

Find Roosevelt College.

Find all of them, you putz, but especially Roosevelt, ’cause those kids are lonely … and often get lost trying to find their way home.

Numero seis:

Get to know your government.

The A.S. Council takes around about $20 every quarter from you, me and that hottie whose window you tried to peek in last week (you thought no one could see you?). It ends up with a million or so of our money, yours and mine, and they spend it … on us? In theory, yes, and actually this year’s council seems to be doing a good job of it, but how would you know? Have you ever gone to a meeting?

Numero siete:

Get religious.

College exists for experimentation, not just in the lab or between the bed sheets, but deep within yourself. If you have any religious background, try the services offered for your faith, at least once. If you’ve got nothing in the way of religiosity, sample around! Make sure you’re not missing something! This campus is an all-you-can-eat spiritual buffet, and you can get up from the table any time.

Numero ocho:

Get a job.

Learn how to work for money while you study for grades. Feel lucky if you have the good fortune to be able to choose not to.

Numero nueve:

Get exposed.

This does not refer to getting naked on Black’s Beach. Challenge yourself here, by broadening your social horizons. Go to an LGBTA dance. Go to a Rush party. Try the Shinai stick fights, if you missed the Darkstar Halloween Orgy. Try your hand at radio at KSDT. Kiss a custodian. And try the $4 all-you-can-eat vegetarian food at the Che Cafe on Thursday nights.

Numero diez:

Get exposed.

This does refer to getting naked on Black’s Beach.

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