How-To Guru: Achieving Gluttony

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It’s time to discuss more important matters relating to our campus well-being. Specifically, lunch. I’m a big proponent of lunch, dinner, breakfast, second breakfast, afternoon tea and supper — not to mention the occasional snack. Therefore, I consider myself quite the food connoisseur, a foodie and lover of all food-related activities. Out of the kindness of my gluttonous heart, I’m happy to share with you the secrets to my success for how to find food on campus.

The first way to find food is to simply walk into any of HDH’s fantastic dining halls and order any of their delectable dishes. Our on-campus food is prepared by a world-class chefs paid large sums of money to serve only the most exquisite food. Dining hall food is also unparalleled in value, especially since HDH clearly places student well-being as a top priority. We should be grateful that our wise overseers have seen fit to grant us such a fine dining and housing experience.

However, not everyone has access to the exquisite dining halls on campus. Perhaps you are not gifted with the luxury of dining dollars, or maybe student tuition raises have put a strain on your wallet. Never fear, the Guru is here to solve your starving stomach. Part of your daily breakfast routine will now involve opening special goody bags called “dumpsters” placed behind buildings. These goody bags are often full of free and delicious food with many interesting and unique garnishes, including the famous “Guru-Blue mold,” “Guardian-Green maggots,” and the exquisite “San Diego night crawlers.” 

However, you might be feeling a little squeamish about the fine selection of dumpster-diving delicacies. In that case, I recommend joining every single campus organization, so long as they provide food at the meetings. Cozy up to the club president and let them know with a gentle nudge that providing In-N-Out cheeseburgers at their weekly meetings could really improve turnout. If they include ice-cream sundaes, they may even become the finest, most well-liked organization on this campus. What better way is there to create feasible reform at UCSD than to feed the entire student population?

The best way to satisfy your food cravings is to become incredibly invested in social justice issues. Are you interested in conserving water in times of drought? Only if pizza is included in the meetings. What about protecting the oceans from pollution? Only if they serve shrimp and salmon during your visit. It’s important to note that you don’t actually have to care about these causes.

All you need to care about is the free food, of which there is plenty. Fill up your backpack with extra food and don’t worry about being a noisy eater in the library as you crunch on cheetos. The students studying around you will learn to appreciate the musical sounds of your chewing. After all, you’ve earned it by joining a record 157 student organizations in the first three weeks. Now start food-hunting, fellow Tritons.