Editor’s note: The following is a satirical article for The DisreGuardian, which are a series of articles published annually for The Guardian’s April Fool’s issue. Opinion will resume publishing normal content next week.
It’s been a little over a week since Lil Nas X released his newest song, “MONTERO (Call Me By Your Name)” and I haven’t been able to get it out of my head. The intricate three-minute video has come as a surprise to many country fans who loved his smash hit “Old Town Road,” myself included. That being said, Lil Nas X can’t even be considered a country singer; no respectable country singer would ever dress like that, or question God’s will in any way.
If you live under a rock and haven’t watched the Montero video yet, do yourself a favor and watch it right now. You need to fully experience the song in its entirety to understand what I’m about to say. Now that you’ve immersed yourself completely in the thrilling saga—back to what I was saying.
In the Montero music video, Lil Nas X is about to be inducted to heaven, when he instead decides to pole dance his way down to Hell. Since the Bible clearly states that being gay is awful and will send you directly to Hell, it is not okay at all that Lil Nas X chooses to follow this way of life. It is also insanely disrespectful that he ends up killing Satan, who is a cherished deity.
Throughout the Montero music video, Lil Nas X is clearly glorifying Hell, which means that he is teaching children to do bad things. You heard me right, there is a direct correlation between young impressionable children watching a man in a red room and them instantly becoming terrible people. And the worst part is, no one, absolutely no one, can prevent these innocent little children from watching this video! Don’t even think about putting this responsibility on parents; they could never have seen this coming. Since Lil Nas X released one song about cowboys, it was written in stone that he would only make kid-friendly content for the rest of his career. It was what he signed up for, and for him to double back on his promise like this is blasphemous. This is almost as bad as when Taylor Swift came out as a Democrat; at least her career ended shortly after.
To make matters even worse, Nike was tricked into releasing a limited collaboration with Lil Nas X. Even though Nike had nothing to do with the “satan shoes” it is definitely a reasonable idea to boycott Nike; who sells sneakers with a pentagram and a drop of blood for $1,018? I literally have my own blood, why in God’s name would I pay so much money for one drop? Luckily, Lil Nas X did come to his senses over this insane marketing gimmick and promptly released an apology. However, it was a little too late since all the sneakers did sell out in under a minute, which unfortunately means that they are definitely more exclusive than a God-given eternal soul according to Governor Kristi Noem. Thankfully, the government stepped in and prevented Lil Nas X from giving away the 666th pair to one of his cult followers. This has basically solved the entire problem, thank God. At the end of the day, everything about Montero was a deliberate attack on American ideals. We cannot continue to allow artists to undertake projects like this; if they think it’s okay to question religion, what will they question next? Our sacred government? I think we can all agree that the Montero music video will go down in history. Just to be sure, I’m going to go watch it one more time.
Art by Nicholas Regli for the UC San Diego Guardian.