As of April 9, hundreds of Grade-A chumps will pass up the business opportunity of a lifetime as they begin to sell their precious and coveted Dining Dollars at a severely depreciated value. Fortunately for you, I’m here to divulge that business plan and to help make sure you don’t defecate the bed and make the same mistake that everyone else undoubtedly will.  

So, here’s what’s up … The first thing you need to do to get your business off the ground is to make an initial investment, and there’s no better time to do so than now when your investment is undervalued. So, take all the cash you have, and get yourself some Dining Dollars — as many as you can buy. Be sure to insist that each of the brainless flops selling to you gives you two Dining Dollars for each Washington that you give them. This is the standard exchange rate, so it shouldn’t be too hard a bargain.  

Now that you’re ballin’ in ‘cash’, it’s time to pillage the markets. Drag your sorry self over to Roger’s Market and liberate every Hydro Flask, toaster, woman, and child.  Your purchases here will serve as the products of your new resale business. And, this is where the magic happens. For, by purchasing hundreds of Hydro Flasks and other non-perishable items with the Dining Dollars that you bought at half price, you are effectively able to stock your new business for a lower cost than any of your big-name competitors: Walmart, Target, HDH, etc.  Now sitting in the driver’s seat, you have the opportunity to provide the most competitive prices to your customers, while also boasting higher markups than any of them, meaning more money and more business for you.

If you’re thinking this is too good to be true, you’re wrong. It is entirely legal to do everything I have outlined above. The only potential trouble arises from trademark infringement in the event that you use the logo of one of your resale products to advertise your business or its inventory. Simply stated, if you don’t do this, you can’t possibly fail.

Finally, if fistfuls of cash are all you desire, I suggest that you stop reading and waste not a second more. Though, if, in your heart, you long for more, a greater and nobler cause for which to live your life, stay with me now.

As it turns out, if the Department of Housing, Dining, and Hospitality maintains markups of less than 50 percent on any items, (meaning they sell goods for less than double what the company paid for them), it’s possible to supply your business at a lower expense than your own supplier. In such a case, with a bit of tact, you could strike a deal with HDH to become a supplier for the campus markets — the very ones that supply you. Thus, by making HDH your simultaneous supplier and consumer, you can concurrently rake in loads of cash and stick it to the administration.