Flip Video Cam

By Cheryl Hori-Associate Opinion Editor

If you’re after the gift that keeps on giving — or stuck in a sexually frustrated long-distance relationship — a Flip Video camcorder (HD, if you can spring for it) could make this Valentine’s Day worthy of the silver screen.

Of course, before you present that sexy someone with his new pocket buddy, stock it with your own rendition of Beyonce’s steamy “Video Phone” music video or Shakira’s “Did it Again” (a blowup doll is best for any parts that necessitate a male counterpart).

If you’re in the mood for something a little more creative, put your theatrical skills to the test and perform a tasteful striptease — that way, it’s something he can use to, er, “celebrate” Valentine’s Day all year round.

David Beckham Calendar

By Vishal Natarajan-Sports Editor

Speaking for myself and every other sports nut I know, there’s nothing sexier than a girl that’s into sports. So, as Valentine’s Day approaches — instead of being the only questionable/creepy guy in Victoria Secret, or burning a Benjamin Franklin-sized hole in your pocket at some jewelry store or expensive restaurant — give a gift that expresses your love in way you both can enjoy: the 2010 David Beckham calendar. Now she has eye candy during the shirtless months (which are most), and she’ll develop such a crush on Golden Balls that she’ll always let you watch the game at her house. Plus, you spend under 20 bucks — triple play!

Massage at Rimac

By Vishal Natarajan-Sports Editor

This year’s Valentine’s Day comes at the midpoint of what is consistently the most arduous quarter of the year: Spring break is still too far away to fathom, and unrelenting waves of midterms seem to coordinate themselves with rain. So this Feb. 14, help your lover de-stress with a massage from RIMAC Arena, courtesy of the rec. department’s Weightrooms & Wellness program. Less than $60 buys him or her an hour of bliss — which could very well make the difference between a warm, romantic end to your V-Day and an action-less night on a cold pillow.

Miracle Berry Tablets

By Angela Chen-News Editor

No, that’s not a euphemism for Ecstacy. Or roofies. Just a good-old-fashioned Willy Wonka trip: Take one miracle berry tablet and your taste buds will go topsy-turvy: Lemons will taste sugary, Tabasco sauce mild — the possibilities abound. Don’t bother trying to understand the science; just be awed by the wonders of 21st century.

If you’re single, round up your closest cronies and hold a flavor-warping party to experience your buds like never before. And if you already have a Valentine to spice up your life, it gets even better. No need, this year, for a quiet night in — save them for when you eat out (if you know what I mean).

Dishwasher-Safe Wine Glasses

By Matthew Pecot-Associate Hiatus Editor

Washing wineglasses is almost impossible — they’re fragile, and the bulb shape doesn’t allow for sponging. Eventually, it’s too much trouble, so your man starts drinking wine in tumblers. Ladies, this cannot be tolerated! Stand up for elegance — get him something that won’t shatter in the dishwasher. Get him a man’s wineglass. Either that or plastic.

Get Out of Jail Free Card

Sweetie, I’m so, so sorry. I had no idea that when you said “Let’s take a break” you didn’t actually mean it. I swear that when I woke up surrounded by empty Dom Perignon bottles and strippers, your sparkling eyes were the first things I thought of. It hurts so badly to think that you don’t smile now because I screwed my bio TA, and all I want in the world is for us to be off the break. Please. Now. I can’t wait another moment — the cops roped off our apartment to look for evidence.

Kite

By Hayley Bisceglia-Martin-News Editor

One of the many perks of being a San Diego resident is that, save a few hiccups now and then, the middle of February is usually clear and sunny — so what better way to pay your respects to Mary Poppins than to go fly a kite? Start your Valentine’s off with a picnic basket and a homemade paper-string contraption, find a secluded strip of beach and let your inner cutesy side fly.

Alpaca Teddy Bear

By Alyssa Bereznak-Managing Editor

OK, I know what you’re thinking: Even if a stuffed bear is lovable, it’s still about as original as a heart-shaped box of chocolates. But no matter how predictable the form, once your lover runs her fingers through the soft pelt of a real-life (presumably slaughtered) llama, all clichés are off. Just try to woo her with its adorable-ness before any questions of animal cruelty come up.

D.I.Y. Candy

By Kelsey Marrujo-Copy Editor

For all those lucky enough to have a Valentine on the imminent day of depression and sadness (no bitterness here), do the world a favor and don’t be so predictable. If his favorite candy is Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups, don’t buy him that crap in the holiday-themed pink packaging. Instead, show him you really care by Googling the sweets from scratch. Abridged version: Buy some chocolate chips, melt them and leave them to cool in the fridge in individual mini muffin liners. Once hardened, spread some peanut butter (not the organic kind) on each of the pieces, then go ahead and repeat step one for the top layer. The end product may not look as pretty as the CVS fare, but it’ll be just as bomb.

One Lunar Acre

By Jenna Brogan-Hiatus Editor

Looking to get your honey-bunches-of-oats something a little more substantial than sweet nothings this Valentine’s? You can’t get much more concrete than land. Moon land. Thanks to www.lunarland.com — “Earth’s oldest, most recognized celestial real estate agency” — you too could call one lunar acre of God’s thumbnail your own. For only $29.99, the cheese to your macaroni will get a legal document listing the location of the land, the lunar bill of rights and a map showing quadrant, lot number, latitude and longitude. So return that box of See’s Candies and transcend the name-a-star gig. Mars is also on the market.

Chivalrous Serenade

By Trevor Cox-Opinion Editor

It’s true: Serenading your beloved on acoustic guitar (with whatever sickly ballad tickles your fancy) takes the prize for sappiest gift — but there’s also no surer bet for a little Valentine’s action. While following John Mayer’s lead might seem kind of transparent, trust me: She won’t know the difference until it’s too late.

John Hughes Films

By Edwin Gonzalez-Focus Editor

Single? Self-gift a collection of your favorite John Hughes. He couldn’t have blended life’s highlights better: pop soundtracks, high-school hijinks and chicken soup for the insecure soul in us all. The High-School Flashback Collection (“The Breakfast Club,” “Weird Science,” “Sixteen Candles”) is pure late-’80s Prozac — and if all else fails, you can always just take shots all evening.