Verdict on Tom, Nicole and many more

    Valentine’s Day sucks, but sex is good. If you don’t have a valentine, or a sex partner, console your lonely self with steamy sex scenes that you will probably never live out.

    Three writers comment on the most infamous of sex scenes in recent American and international cinema.

    Eyes Wide Shut

    The buzz: This controversial erotic thriller directed by Stanley Kubrick consists of a doctor’s sexual explorations, from his encounter with a dead patient’s daughter to a streetwalker, a pre-teen nympho, and finally, a masked orgy of wealthy elites fraternizing to the sound of gongs and violas.

    Riley: Maybe we should watch the beginning of the movie before we get to the sex scenes so we understand it better …

    Jia: It’s sex. Whats there to understand?

    R: Wait, aren’t men suppose to want to get straight to the sex, and women want all the foreplay? Ready for a shot, by the way?

    J: Bring the chocolates in. What’s better than sex and chocolates?

    Scene 1: At a Christmas ball, Alice Harford (Nicole Kidman) flirts and flaps with an elderly Lothario.

    J: She’s so drunk!

    R: That means the sex is coming.

    Scene 2: After hearing about his wife’s sexual fantasies over another stranger, Bill Hartford (Tom Cruise) walks the streets, until picked up by a streetwalker. Upon entering her flat, they converse.

    R: They’re still talking. They’re definitely having sex.

    J: Fast forward, fast forward!

    R: Tell me when to stop fast forwarding.

    J: No, no, no. When they get really undressed. I don’t want to watch them flirt.

    R: The jacket’s back on. That was a disappointment.

    J: Three stars. This whole movie has been us speculating they’re having sex, but no one is really having sex.

    R: Five stars plus three for excessive nudity.

    The verdict: The sexual tension sizzles, but the movie never really delivers the much-hyped goods (at least not the American version)

    Secretary

    The buzz: Recently released from a mental hospital, Lee Holloway is hired as a secretarial assistant to Edward Grey (James Spader) and begins to develop an obsessive crush. Their employer-employee relationship turns sexual when both begin to explore their S&M tendencies.

    Scene 1: After discovering several errors in a typed letter, Mr. Grey invites Lee into his office, asks her to bend over and read the letter aloud, and proceeds to spank her after every word.

    R: Is this a cult favorite of sado-masochists everywhere?

    J: I don’t know, but it’s really hot.

    Scene 2: After reporting what’s served at the dinner table, Mr. Grey instructs Lee to eat only a scoop of potatoes, four peas and as much ice cream as she likes. After following his instructions to the pea, Lee rushes to her room and proceeds to masturbate to the idea of potatoes and peas.

    J: Girls don’t really masturbate like that.

    R: They don’t? I’m going to pretend I never heard that.

    J: Seven stars. Older men? Pain? Power? You can’t deny that.

    R: Six stars. Not exactly my bag, baby, but I’m open minded.

    The verdict: Pain was never so sexy.

    Y Tu Mamá También

    The buzz: Teenagers Tenoch Iturbide (Diego Luna) and Julio Zapata (Gael García Bernal) find themselves taking a road trip to a fictional destination with older woman Ana Mercado (Ana Morelos). Along the way, the companions find themselves seduced by one another, blurring the sexual divide for one night before crossing back, untransformed.

    Scene 1: In a hotel room, Ana invites Tenoch to take off his towel. A messy quickie ensues.

    R: Whats the story again?

    J: The story’s so unimportant right now.

    Scene 2: A brutally sexy final scene, Ana goes down on the boys. In a fit of mad passion, the boys lean forward and fall into a kiss.

    J: How does she do both of them at the same time? I guess hands and mouth? Nooooo.

    Cody: As long as theres a girl going down on them, its chill right? Its not gay until the balls touch, right?

    J: Nine stars. Gael García Bernal. End of story.

    R: Five stars. It’s quantity, not quality …

    The verdict: Depending on your tastes, it’s pretty hot, in a weird maternal kinda way. Wins the “most awkward yet sexy scene” award.

    Basic Instinct

    The buzz: In this late 80’s neo-noir, Sharon Stone gains infamy as a murderous femme fatale with a distaste for panties

    Scene 1: Sharon Stone uncrosses legs, sans underwear.

    R: Wait, was that it? I didn’t see anything. (Rewinds tape)

    J: Sitting a little close to the screen, Riley?

    R: It’s dedication to the story. Do you have slow-motion play?

    J: Five stars. No comment.

    R: Ten stars. I forgot that Sharon Stone was once really hot.

    The verdict: It’s too bad that wild, over-the-top sex scenes went out with the ‘80s. For some reason the chance of someone being stabbed made Sharon Stone’s sex scenes even hotter.

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