As a college student, federal law requires that I spent at least 40 hours every week procrastinating, wasting time and just generally fucking around.

Overachiever that I am, I have discovered the perfect way to accomplish this: online personality tests.

Clearly, these quizzes are an unparalleled waste of time, and that is a good thing. But there still remains one almost imperceptible problem: They are total crap.

Of course, I base this conclusion on the fact that according to one such personality test, I am 53 percent bitch. This is just plain offensive, and anyone who knows me will immediately realize why: I am clearly 100 percent, grade-A, top-choice bitch.

Obviously there are inaccuracies in these quizzes that must be rectified. But until they are, I have altruistically taken it upon myself to compile a list of only five questions that will undoubtedly reveal your true personality. (Perhaps it’s nice shit like this that makes me only 53 percent bitch.)

At this point, I would like to insert a disclaimer before you take my better-than-any-other-test-of-its-kind personality quiz.

Disclaimer: This quiz was manufactured to reveal your inner character — I take no responsibility for the results. So if you turn out to be a total loser, a serial killer or Al Gore, this is clearly your fault and not the test’s. Also, if you have repeatedly been told that you have no personality, please refrain from even attempting to take this test and wasting everyone’s time.

OK, here it is. Circle the letter of the answer that you feel is the most accurate, and at the end, you will have my assessment of your personality.

1. Are you male or female?

(a) Female.

(b) Male.

(c) The doctors haven’t decided yet.

2. Do you know your own name?

(a) No. I call myself the Magical It.

(b) Yes (duh). I’ve known it since I was 14 years old.

(c) Yes. It’s Al Gore.

3. If you could be any kind of tree, what would you be?

(a) A palm tree — it’s a So-Cal thing.

(b) A redwood — it’s a Nor-Cal thing.

(c) What do you mean, could be any kind of tree?

4. You prefer social interaction:

(a) In large, booze-friendly environments that can easily be turned into orgies.

(b) In intimate groups that can also be turned into orgies (though perhaps not as easily — after all, you like a challenge).

(c) One-on-one with the voices in your head (no orgies, but at least you know the conversations will be interesting).

5. To you, the most important part of relationships is:

(a) The fact that you and your friends/lovers are all obsessed with “”Star Trek.””

(b) You all have the same major, so you can share anecdotes about the circuit that wouldn’t die.

(c) You all love orgies.

OK, that was it. Still with me? Still think these tests are a waste of time? Still think I am a cracked-out psychopath who has no life? Good! That means you did well!

Now look at the letters you circled most often. Judging from the letter you picked most often — and that alone — I will now pigeon-hole your personality into a category that is probably both inaccurate and offensive. Fear not: This is the sign of a good test.

If you picked A’s: You are an extroverted people-person who likes long walks on the beach and killing brain cells (preferably at the same time). This is based on nothing more than the fact that this is a standard personality test determination that goes with the letter A.

If you picked B’s: You are a self-reliant introvert who has a good imagination and works best alone at a computer. Again, this is not based on facts, or even on the answers you picked, really.

If you picked C’s: Like the last part of question No. 10 implies, you are an Al Gore clone who likes orgies just a little too much more than the average UCSD student. Scary to some, sexy to others. Either way, stay the hell away from me.

So basically, I have proven that these tests are not only crap, but amazing wastes of time. Seriously, how much of your professor’s lecture were you able to ignore while doing this? You can thank me later.

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