Everyone who knows me can attest to the fact that I am no Mother Teresa. In fact, some would argue that I am the biggest brat on the planet. Yet, recently, I’ve been struck by the “”wave of kindness”” that has swept the nation following the Sept. 11 attacks and been inspired to become a better human being.

Some might argue this is shamless opportunitism at its best. They are correct. But I figure it’s probably better to redeem myself now, just in case we’re all obliterated by nuclear war in the future.

Becoming a saint, though, is not as easy as I thought. In fact, it requires dedication, discipline and an extremeley good heart (qualities I have very little of). I’ve tried to balance schoolwork with good works, but frankly, it’s quite difficult to meditate on global peace when I have a 10-page paper due the next day.

I’ve even considered dropping out of school, “”borrowing”” thousands of dollars from my parents and escaping to an impoverished country where I can feed thousands of hungry people, personally install an irrigation system so everyone has acceess to clean water, and perform miracles in my free time.

However, with the very real possibility of my parents hunting me down and subjecting me to various forms of torture, I’ve decided against it. So, although my goals are big, I’ve had to limit myself to smaller deeds of kindness that will put me in a better position for canonization by the pope.

For one thing, I’ve resolved to never have “”road rage”” again. Now, if someone cuts me off, instead of flipping them off, I’ve simply mouthed, “”that’s not very nice”” to the offending driver. I’m hoping that my example of “”grace under pressure”” will be used in the next DMV manual so that drivers everywhere can boost their karma by a couple hundred points.

In addition, instead of reading the National Enquirer front to back like I used to before Sept. 11, I only read the horoscope section so that my mind is not tainted by the negative attitudes of some spoiled celebrities and the size of J.Lo’s butt. After all, a saint has to have a pure mind if she wants to end poverty, violence and all the other vices this world offers.

Furthermore, instead of calling my family and friends 10 times a day to air my worries about the fate of the world, my ample cellulite and a cavity on my left molar, I leave messages on their answering machines instead (that way they can easily delete them). If that’s not angelic, I don’t know what is.

I have to admit that becoming a better human being is a difficult task, especially if you’re a UCSD student. It’s easy to get sucked into the hellish world of academics and escape to the library when your services could be better used feeding empty meters and tutoring slackers in the art of time management.

Of course, all of you dear readers (yes, you too, Ben Boychuk) can emulate my style if you wish to be a better human being. But don’t expect to become a saint. Leave that task to me.