Students' Reputation as Nerds is Ill-Founded

It’s eighth week. Do you know where your parties are?

Odds are you still don’t, because UCSD’s reputation as a nerd school has got you discouraged and disenchanted, so for Friday night excitement, you throw down a bottle of Jack D. in your dorm room and read the Guardian. This is where I come in.

After a few years of close scrutiny, I have come to the conclusion that most UCSD students are not as academically driven as the Greekfreaks would have us think. Many, in fact, are just itching to ditch those TI-92s and bust loose a few differential equations on the geometric plane of the dance floor … or better yet, the topology of your naked body. It’s not lack of instinct that restrains us, it’s lack of information.

The resident advisers, housing advisers and the PD go to great lengths to educate us about the risks of partying, of going to TJ, of unprotected sex at the annual Darkstar Halloween Orgy, and well they should. Such joyous activities cannot be enjoyed without serious hazards to one’s health. Rarely, however, does anyone chime in to give the skinny on how to have good, illicit, or explicit fun — and get away with it. Like I said before, this is where I come in.

Without further ado, here’s my exhaustive guide to the art of partygoing.

Going to a party is like going out into the field in ‘Nam, except without the napalm, screaming, burning children, and other quaint features of actual warfare. The similarity is this: When you go out, you have no idea what kind of heaven, hell, hot bodies or highway patrol sobriety checks you may face.

Newsflash: You are no longer a little child, and if you are reading this you are no fool, so you cannot expect God’s angels to watch out for you.

Gather information. You have to know where the party is before you and yours can attack. Ask around. Do not be subtle. Do not ever say, “”Hey, give me a ring next time.”” They will forget. Ask only about what is on for the next weekend. Ask that fly looking slacker who keeps sleeping through your bio lecture. That’s probably me, and baby, I’ll let you know.

Create a plan of attack. Line up two or three parties in one night. Any one party might suck, get busted, or fail to occur.

Create a pack. The best defense is a good offense — or something like that. Set out for the night with eight good friends in two cars, and if all else fails you can always hit Denny’s in style or go back to the dorms and play drunk Twister.

Take care of each other. Watch each other’s backs, do head counts, provide cover fire — all that cool A-Team stuff. Be thoughtful as you construct your own little Saturday night commando group.

Always bring cash. Even if you are female. Even if you are an incredibly attractive female. Get liberated, get some dollars and come prepared.

Do not hassle the host about the cover charge. Pay your money or get out of line and go home. Your party hosts will almost certainly end the night with a noise citation and less play (i.e. random hook-ups, cuddling and other fun skin sports) than the average guest. More particularly, it’ll be the sober host that most likely ends up with no lovin’ except from the cops, so respect this fact and, if you must complain, bring your whining to the drunk hosts.

Have realistic expectations. That rush week frat party next quarter is not going to be thronging with sonnet-reading, wine-sipping, rose-petal-munching gentlemen who just want to chat. That gorgeous woman in the sequins who’s dancing to your favorite song may not be in the mood for you to ask if you can munch on her rosebush. For a realistic idea of the general atmosphere of the average party, get a few friends to read the Muir Quarterly at the top of their lungs, and imagine that you are in the middle of a crowd of people who actually think the jokes are funny.

Learn to party sober, then expand your horizons once you have mastered the art. Seriously, don’t jump for the jungle juice the first time you jam. The subtleties of partying under the influence merit their own article, which is forthcoming.

Don’t throw a party for lack of finding one. Wait a week or two and I’ll break down for you the specialized skills it takes to host your own local commotion.

Until then, try the simple techniques I’ve outlined, and you too may find that, despite the rep, this university can be a very happening place indeed.