Fanmail Makes For An Interesting Read

At first I thought it was a joke. I mean, who really has the time to write a two-page, single-spaced letter when she could be shaving her armpits instead? This thought plagued my mind as I read over the fascinating, if not unintelligible, letter from an anonymous “”fan.””

Don’t get me wrong. It’s not that I’m ungrateful to my loyal readers. I just wish “”fan”” mail would really mean “”fan”” mail, instead of a diatribe against the current American political infrastructure.

When my editor first called me to tell me I had a package to pick up, I dropped everything and ran to my car. As I sped toward UCSD, images of adoring letters from gorgeous, intelligent, single men danced in my head.

I could picture it in my head: “”Dear Divya,”” it would begin, “”your prose is sweet music to my unworthy ears. Please be mine now and forever,”” or, “”Dear Divya: Enclosed is a first-class ticket for a flight on Air France. Meet me on the top of the Eiffel Towel. Love, Pierre (a.k.a. handsome and wealthy exchange student).””

As I walked into the office, my heart throbbing and my head ringing, I was filled with gleeful anticipation. However, my joy quickly turned into confusion after I opened a thick manila envelope and found, to my chagrin, documents on science and abortion instead of flowery poetry. I couldn’t believe it. Here was my first fan mail and it was a disappointment!

I realized the “”fan”” letter may not actually have been from an admirer at all when I saw the line “”Your writing could have been seen as humorous with a little more work/polish on it.”” Call me hairy and an idiot, but not funny? That’s a direct stab to my heart.

Worse, instead of commenting on my article, the author encouraged me to watch “”CSPAN for a year or two”” in order to “”become an expert on the real issues.”” Sorry, dear reader, but I don’t have cable, so that’s an impossibility. Besides, aren’t pointless articles more enjoyable than suffering through boring congressional speeches?

At least the author, who is obviously an intelligent person, had good intentions. After a lengthy discussion on everything from Napoleon to abortion, the author finally got to the good part: me. I am sure he or she was being considerate when stating, “”Keep some of your paranoia.””

it will protect you from something worse “”trying to become a syrupy goody two-shoes,”” but it sounded like something Ted Kaczynski would say.

Anyway, I’m sure my parents would be horrified if I got drunk in TJ, so I think I have to stay on the straight path, however boring it may be. (Besides, they pay for my hair removal.)

Perhaps my favorite line was, “”You are insecure because you need seasoning like a good soup.”” Of course I’m insecure. If you were a hairy, dramatic 18-year-old girl who had never kissed a boy and was failing your classes, I doubt you would be extremely chipper.

Call me a brat, but when a reader informs you that “”the best way to become a logical person is not to study philosophy, religion or courses in logic,”” you might be a tad perplexed too. Additionally, when someone says “”Don’t buy any books (except a good dictionary, anatomy and physiology textbook and other good reference books),”” she is basically stating that great works of literature are meaningless. I’m sure the literature and history departments would have a field day over that quote. Frankly, I can’t remember anything particularly meaningful or life-changing occurring when I opened up “”Webster’s Dictionary”” to look up the word “”pernicious”” (no offense to dictionary lovers).

The point is that the one time I hoped to get an adoring “”fan”” letter, I got an interesting but not exactly understandable letter instead.

Throwing in “”Ophra … is a beautiful although fat woman”” didn’t exactly make anything clearer.

Anyway, whoever you are, I forgive you this indiscretion. However, the next time you have this much time on your hands, I suggest a good waxing experience instead.