How-To Guru: Act Your Age, Millenials

It’s time to clearly distinguish the ways of Millennials from the ways of the Baby Boomers. This guide should be particularly useful for old-fashioned misfits who can’t seem to get with the times. Here is a clear step-by-step guide to adapting one’s style and perspective to becoming a born-again Millennial. If you follow these easy steps, you’ll have older generations shaking their heads and grumbling with disapproval.

The most important step to being a Millennial is to constantly disappoint the older generations. An easy way to do this is to simply move back in with your parents while you try not to drown in your student debt. Even better, make sure to be unsuccessful in finding meaningful employment, especially when there are just “so many” jobs out there for young college grads. When Boomers start berating you for how lazy you are and tell you how easy it was for them to find jobs and get a house debt-free, you’ll know that you’re on your way to becoming a full-fledged Millennial.

The next step in achieving Millennial status is excessive narcissism. Make sure to divert conversations back to the topic of yourself whenever people of an older generation talk to you. Since Baby Boomers were historically labelled the “Me Generation,” you’ll have to work especially hard to one-up the old geezers in your self-absorption. Instead of resorting to the word “me” in conversations, try using “me, me, me” to distinguish yourself as a Millennial. Bonus points can be earned when you bring social media into these situations. When others ask how school is going, or about your non-existent career options, whip out your cell phone and snap a fabulous selfie instead of answering them. Then sigh dramatically and talk about how difficult it is to maintain a good relationship with your followers these days. Go ahead and confide in random passersby with a coy smirk and an, “It’s not easy being instafamous.”

While fanatically maintaining your Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Pinterest, Tinder and Snapchat accounts instead of interacting with “real” people, be careful to avoid developing significant opinions. Political and social apathy are key to becoming a Millennial. When people ask for your opinion on rising college tuition or institutionalized racism in America or the situation in Syria, give them a blank look and ask them if they’ve liked your latest Instagram post.

In addition to apathy about current events, you should be extremely sensitive about others’ opinions. When you spot instances of people overtly expressing their perspectives, throw a shit fit about it on social media and troll the accounts of everyone who dares to disagree with you. After starting a Facebook campaign to put an end to pesky, insensitive freedoms like the First Amendment, pull out your iPhone and scroll through meme-sharing sites. As the older generations grumble in disapproval, shoot them a self-satisfied grin. Kindly remind them that you are the future that will make America great again. Upon achieving this success, high-five your diaper-clad peers and snap another selfie.