Editor’s note: The following is a satirical article for The DisreGuardian, a series of articles published annually for The Guardian’s April Fool’s issue. A&E will resume publishing normal content next week.
Recently, Ariannathaniel Grande Vanilla Bean Frappuccino, more commonly known as Arianna Grande, has been under fire for her alleged “homewrecking” of her co-star Ethan Slater’s marriage. With her album “Eternal Sunshine” released this past month, many fans are speculating how her songs relate to the circumstances at hand. In this interview with The UCSD Guardian, Grande opens up about what really went down.
Slater is known for his role as SpongeBob SquarePants in SpongeBob SquarePants: The Broadway Musical.
Grande went to the opening night of the musical with her brother and ex-Big Brother star Franklin Manuel Miranda Grande, who had been a huge fan of the original series. Contrary to popular belief that the two met on the set of “Wicked,” this is actually where Slater and Grande had their first encounter.
“He went up to me and told me he liked my bikini bottom,” Grande giggled. “Those little suspenders really pulled me in. I was hooked!”
Apparently, Slater was a huge fan of Grande’s previous work, even naming his pets after Grande’s character.
“The first time I ever went to his home, he introduced me to his pet iguana, Cat, named after my character on Victorious,” Grande said.
Grande set the record straight in response to numerous users on TikTok commenting “that boy was HERS ari” on her song “boy is mine.” At the time of their meeting, Grande claims that Slater and his ex-partner had already been separated due to his obsession with amateur improv. His obsession with the art form allegedly led to the negligence of his partner and child. However, Grande was more than willing to support Slater’s dream of becoming a professional improv artist.
“Etty — that’s what I call Ethan — actually took me to an improv class,” she said. “They kept emphasizing the phrase ‘yes, and’ as a way to continue the scene, and I thought to myself, that’s so beautiful. So, I owe my entire album to amateur improv.”
Due to the increasing amount of rainy weather southern California has been experiencing due to the climate crisis that will probably end up killing everyone in about 40 years and that our politicians have done little to nothing to address, Grande felt like the sunshine was lost for good … until she met Slater.
“You can’t spell Eternal Sunshine without ‘Ethan,’ that’s actually what inspired the name. Aheeheehee,” Grande explained. “If we ever break up, trust me, my next album will be titled ‘Temporary Gloominess’.”
Next year, Grande will star in the CW’s “Dear Evan Hansen” prequel series alongside Ben Platt reprising his role as Evan Hansen.
Graphic by Alexander Olsen
