DisreGuardian: UCSD students banned from all parties in 2024

DisreGuardian: UCSD students banned from all parties in 2024

Editor’s note: The following is a satirical article for The DisreGuardian, a series of articles published annually for The Guardian’s April Fool’s issue. Opinion will resume publishing normal content next week.

With the recent implementation of California AB 1312, UC San Diego students who receive an invitation to a house party are legally banned from attending. Legislators deliberated on this new rule last October and unanimously passed the bill through the assembly before sending it to California Governor Gavin Newsom for his official signature. Having gone into effect on January 1, 2024, the new legislation is meant to prevent UCSD students from boring other partygoers to death. This rule does not apply to gatherings in which being boring is the stated purpose, such as book clubs, apartment parties held by UCSD students, or Associated Students Town Hall meetings. 

We talked to State Representative Ima Nonce of the Twelfth Circuit Appeals Court of California, who explained why she felt this rule was necessary. 

“I went to UCSD for a conference, and all I could think about was how boring these college students are. There was no partying, no day drinking, and whenever I would try to start a conversation, these people only complained about finals or midterms,” she said, rolling her eyes. “They don’t even have a football team or Greek row — how embarrassing.”

This issue extends to parties off campus, at which UCSD students have been notorious for expressing themselves in such a monotone and uninteresting manner that other attendees would often fall asleep in their presence. For years, UCSD students have repeatedly terrorized SDSU and USD parties with their boring conversation topics and uneventful lifestyles. 

“I understand that some people have social anxiety, but if you’re going to pace back and forth in the living room for the whole night until someone approaches you, don’t waste the whole conversation talking about how stressful your biology finals are going to be,” said the President of SDSU’s Kappa Kappa Kappa fraternity in an interview with the DisreGuardian. 

In addition, research conducted by the Department of Biomedical Science found that a single conversation with a UCSD student resulted in a 60% increase in the likelihood of dying of acute boredom. In the study, researchers had a non-UCSD student interact with a UCSD student for 10 minutes. UCSD students were not restricted in conversational topics and were instructed to converse as normal. Immediately following the interaction, the researchers measured the dopamine and serotonin levels of the subject to observe any noticeable changes. What they found was that the decreased level of dopamine and serotonin of the subject was comparable to that of someone suffering from major depressive disorder. 

We attempted to contact UCSD students to investigate what could be causing them to act in such an uninteresting way, but our eyes glazed over and our collective attention span was insufficient to fully understand what they were saying. The continuous complaints about finals and midterms occasionally interrupted by self-disparaging remarks on how lonely and single they are were so typical and cliche that the CIA was once accused of using UCSD students as a method of psychological torture. Former detainees detailed how guards would blindfold prisoners and lock them in a room with a UCSD student for hours on end, a practice deemed a war crime by the 6th Geneva Conventions.

Regardless, the legislation is meant to prevent accidental exposure of UCSD students to the greater San Diego region, a move that civil rights leaders and social activists say is too little, too late. 

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About the Contributor
Jaechan Preston Lee
Jaechan Preston Lee, Staff Writer
As a second year political science student, I love to write about contemporary political issues. From going to the border to interview migrants to opinions on the 2024 election, my work has focused on current events and systemic issues the world is facing in the present day.
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