DISREGUARDIAN: THERE IS NO NEWS

Photo courtesy of wired.com
Photo courtesy of wired.com

Editor’s note: The following is a satirical article for The DisreGuardian, a series of articles published annually for The Guardian’s April Fool’s issue. News will resume publishing normal content next week.

In a monumental event, The UCSD Guardian news section has no news to report on. This is to say that, for once in her life, The Guardian News Editor Kaitlin Lee could not find any news. Politics, world events, and even lower-grade gossip suddenly ceased on this Wednesday afternoon. 

The last time such an event occurred was about five years ago, during mid-April. Let’s be honest, why is April a month? Think hard. Does anything happen in April? It’s kind of in the middle of the year and has no real presence in anyone’s life. April is a nothing month. 

In the case that there are no news events to report on, the news editor must release an official statement to the wider UCSD campus. This has been unofficially dubbed the Booing of the News Editor. It’s absurd that this happens often enough that it needs an unofficial name.

On Thursday, March 28, at 5:69 p.m., approximately 10 students gathered in The Guardian office. There, Lee announced the news that there was no news, to the great disbelief of the students.

“Unfortunately, there will be no news this week,” she said. “I tried my best to find news and to determine what we could share with the campus this week. But, like, dudes, nothing showed up. Nothing.”

This led to an onslaught of booing from the audience. Because, like, how is that even possible? Is there seriously nothing happening in, I don’t know, Sixth College, for example?

The recent announcement from the news editor has brought the necessity of the position into question. Some students figure that the news editor position may cease in importance if there continues to be a lack of, well, news. 

Earl Warren College junior Connor Uhre was one of the students in attendance. He said he was there to support his girlfriend, Kaitlin, but now even he was seriously questioning why she was there.

“[The editor’s] entire job is news,” Uhre said in an interview with The Guardian. “[They] are just News Ken. So, if [she] can’t do that, what is [her] point?”

In response, Lee yelled, “Connor, I invited you because I thought you’d be more supportive!”

Students voiced their opinions on the UCSD subreddit, with a consensus that this was no different from usual news issues. 

“I mean, let’s be honest. Most of the news on the UCSD Guardian is written by those leftist cucks. That’s all fake news by liberal wackos,” stated u/mymomsaysimreallyhandsome in the comments of one post.

The Guardian sat down with Editor-in-Chief Raymond Tran and Managing Editor Alexander Olsen to further discuss Lee’s future at the newspaper. 

“Truthfully, this isn’t Kaitlin’s biggest offense. Like, remember when she brought deviled eggs to production?” Tran said. “Faux pas, Kaitlin!” 

In such offenses, the editorial board will gather for a collective vote to determine whether the news editor may remain on the board. All editors, except for the news editor, will meet to discuss the offense and hold a trial to question the news editor. Additionally, the process also involves the news editor’s fight with a rancor, which will happen April 1 at 4:20 p.m. If the editor can best the rancor, then she can keep her position. 

“I think that there is just one thing to all of this,” Olsen said. “When you do not provide the news, you face the consequences. There have to be so many things to report on. Like, the genocide in Gaza is still happening, Kaitlin. Are you not woke?” 

When asked by The Guardian, Lee declined to give further comment. Like the lame-o she is.

This is a developing story, and we will continue the story when updates emerge. To learn more about Kaitlin’s fight with the rancor, visit the link on our website.

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Kaitlin Lee, News Editor
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