Michael Jordan’s “classless” speech after his induction into the Hall of Fame was all the rage this summer, with everyone from professional sportswriters to amateur bloggers ripping MJ to pieces. Being without television for the past few months — liberating and frustrating at the same time — I missed His Airness’ speech when it was delivered. After hearing all the controversy surrounding it, I was looking forward to finally sitting down and YouTube-ing the 20-minute acceptance address.

First of all, I have to admit to being a huge Michael Jordan fan. One of my biggest dreams for as long as I could remember was to meet Jordan in person. (If that day ever comes, I will no doubt start crying like a baby.)

Despite my love for Jordan, I was looking forward to hearing this total lack of class from my childhood hero, something sports media giants were hyping up like nobody’s business. But midway through the speech, I was still waiting for the controversy. By the end of it, I was left wondering whether I had missed something.

So, in light of my disappointment, I have decided to travel into the future and visit the 2013 Major League Baseball Hall of Fame Induction in an attempt to present to all the sportswriters out there what a truly classless speech sounds like. Just like Jordan, this possible future inductee is someone I grew up idolizing on the baseball field. And just like Jordan’s address, the speech is truthful — even if it isn’t as classy as John Stockton’s.

You’ve now been transported to 2013. The economy has been fixed, we’ve solved global warming by jacking resources from Jupiter and you’re sitting in Cooperstown for the Hall of Fame Induction.

Bud Selig: I guess it’s time for me to introduce our next inductee: (cries a little inside) Barry Bonds.

Barry Bonds: Oh man, this is such an honor. You know, I never could have gotten here without the help of several people, and I’d like to take this opportunity to thank them.

Ayo, how’s it going Pedro? (Points to Pedro Gomez of EPSN). You’re the first person I want to thank tonight. This fool was on my ass 24/7 during my chase for the home-run record, and I appreciate the persistence with which you followed my game. You truly are my most dedicated fan. You also annoyed the shit out of me every chance you got, which made me lose my temper with you a handful of times. Which, of course, caused the whole world to think I’m a huge dick — an added bonus.

Mark Fainaru-Wada and Lance Williams made sure everyone knew that my genitals weren’t quite that big. So a big thanks go out to you two — the sneaky San Francisco Chronicle investigative reporters who used their hobby of digging through dumpsters to spy on my ass. You exposed the dirty details of my so-called steroid scandal, transforming me from a bigheaded star to a despicable human being.

Thank you Jeff Kent, for driving in just enough runs in 2000 to steal my MVP award. Before people thought I was a cheater, they thought I was a bad team player because of you. Luckily, no one noticed that I was the one getting on base, allowing you to rack up all those RBIs. Good thing they didn’t realize I didn’t get in any of my teammates’ faces before you showed up in San Francisco. You were the one who fired up a general dislike toward me among the public, without which I would never have broken any records.

A big “thank you” goes out to Peter Magowan and Brian Sabean for keeping the steroid use under wraps when you clearly knew exactly what was going on. You can’t put a price on packed stadiums, merch sales and licensing agreements. Looks like you made enough money off me to fuel your garlic-fry addiction.

Lastly, I want to thank you, Bud Selig, for making me the No. 1 scapegoat in all of Major League Baseball. You knew that all your players were using, but you decided to do nothing about it. Instead, you opted to attack and blame me for all the problems in the sport so that you wouldn’t go down as the worst commissioner of all time. So I went ahead and broke Hank Aaron’s record while I was clean, just to spite you.

Thank you Bud Selig, for providing me with the motivation I needed to become the all-time home-run leader. Too bad I couldn’t return the favor, Bud. I really tried to keep you from going down as baseball’s most infamous commissioner, but unfortunately, word got out that I wasn’t the only athlete playing the game juiced. What a shocker!

Anyway, on this historic day, I want to truly express my gratitude to all those people who made me baseball’s most despised athlete. Because of you, I became baseball’s greatest. Suck on that, bastards.Classy or Not, the Truth is
Refreshing