A compilation of meaningless awards with no logical order

Well, it’s that time of year again. With the new year beginning, every yahoo with a typewriter is cranking out a list of the best and worst of the past year. Since I didn’t want to be left out, I figured I’d come up with some awards of my own.

I had originally planned to do these awards while drunk (they probably would have been a hell of a lot funnier), but since I passed out before I could get to a computer last night (that East Coast iced tea went house on my sober ass), I’m now trying to write these with a hangover, so bear with me.

Without further ado, I now present the first-ever (and quite possibly the last-ever) Josh’s If-everyone-else-gets-to-make-up-stupid-year-in-review-awards-then-I’m-sure-as-hell-not-going-to-be-left-out Year in Review Awards.

Man of the year:

In my mind, this award can’t be given to a single person. I think that a pair of men have earned the right to be called the year’s best. That’s right, I’m talking about Adam Carolla and Jimmy Kimmel, the co-hosts of “”The Man Show.”” In this, their second season, these two men have taken chauvinism to new heights by continuing to bring us juggies and beer. Thank you men, from the bottom of my heart.

Woman of the year:

Despite my desire to thank Carmen Electra for not only coming to UCSD, but also for running half-naked through sprinklers in “”Scary Movie,”” I have to give this award up to Hillary Clinton. No woman has had a better year. Clinton is not only wrapping up her eighth year as president, but she was recently elected senator of New York and she also signed an $8 million book deal. On top of that, she appears to have kept Little Bill in check for the past year, as no new interns have come forward. You go, girl.

Movie of the year:

This award can go to none other than “”Gone in 60 Seconds.”” This movie had everything that a person could possibly want in a movie. It had fast cars, explosions and Angelina Jolie’s lips. For women, this movie also had a lot of drama. I’ve never seen so many men cry when Eleanor was crushed by the crane. For those of you that haven’t seen the movie, Eleanor is a 1967 Shelby GT 500 Mustang. It is a truly beautiful sight.

Second-best movie of the year:

I wasn’t going to give this award, but there was a movie out there that was truly deserving of it. This movie would have easily taken the movie of the year if “”Gone in 60 Seconds”” hadn’t been in the running. The picture that I speak of is “”Coyote Ugly.”” This movie had alcohol and women dancing on bars. Need I say more?

Biggest loss of the year:

While there have been plenty of significant deaths within the past year, none struck home as much as Joseph Calleja, who passed away at the tender age of 26. While many of you don’t recognize that name, you will most certainly recognize the name Joe C, which was his stage name when he performed with the likes of Kid Rock. Joe C’s guest raps on “”Devil Without a Cause”” were both hilarious and witty. We will all miss you, Joe.

Biggest mistake of the year:

Yes, I am talking about the election. How in the world did “”Dubya”” become our president? Reminiscent of Marion Barry, Dubya all but admitted to doing hard drugs (in this case, he snorted mass quantities of coke) and was still elected to office. We can only hope that the idiot of all idiots will surround himself with smart people so that we can survive for the next four years. God help us all.

Worst invention of the year:

This is undoubtedly the Chrysler PT Cruiser. This is the ugliest car known to man. It looks like a glorified hearse. What’s even more ridiculous about this car is the price that some people are paying for it. While the MSRP on the car is below $20,000, it has been sold for over $30,000. This is scary, considering that the car tested horribly in all aspects of crash testing. Please, stop buying this car. I beg of you.

Please just die:

Saddam Hussein, please just die. We are all tired of you. We thought that we were rid of you when Satan threw you into the depths of hell in the South Park movie. Alas, you have returned. We are ready for you to just die. Thank you.

Best supporting actor:

This promising young actor made a late surge in “”Cast Away.”” Wilson the volleyball was one of the most entertaining supporting actors in recent memory. He showed a true range of emotions in the dramatic role as the lone friend of Tom Hanks’ character on the deserted island. We can only hope that he will soon be appearing in more roles.

Most disturbing trend:

This award goes to the increased popularity of boy bands in the past year. While the phenomenon has threatened to break through in years past, it has hit the scene in full force this year. Groups like N*SYNC and the Backstreet Boys are more popular than ever. There was even a television special that turned five guys into a boy band on camera. This is a truly disturbing trend that we can only hope dies down in the year to come.

Baby with the most potential to be one of “”People Magazine’s”” 50 most beautiful people:

Ryan Philippe and Reese Witherspoon had a baby girl this year. With parents like that, she can’t help but turn into a beautiful woman. Congratulations to the new parents. Ryan, try to keep your sanity in 16 years when she starts to date.

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