Art Courtesy of Nina Ardalan
From May 13 to 17, the 69th annual Eurovision Song Contest will take place. Hopefully that means it will be nice — or at least nicer than last year.
In the year of our Lord 2024, Swiss singer Nemo “broke the code” — and Switzerland’s 36-year victory drought — meaning that the next contest would be hosted on Swiss soil. Basel, Switzerland, was eventually chosen as the host city.
The previous contest, hosted in Malmö, Sweden, was marred by controversies. Israel’s participation was called into question as a result of its government’s ongoing genocide in Palestine. Plus, its song was mediocre that year, and if it wasn’t allowed to participate, it would have meant that no one would have had to listen to it for three minutes.
Another major controversy was the disqualification of Dutch representative Joost Klein from the grand finale, the result of an incident between Klein and a camera operator. The camera operator claimed that Klein made a threatening gesture toward her, and Klein claimed that she was filming him where she was not allowed to. The Swedish Prosecution Authority later investigated the incident, and the case was closed due to lack of evidence.
This year’s contest will feature the same format as the previous iteration. Montenegro is the only new country to enter the fold, while Moldova withdrew for economic reasons. Thirty one of the 37 entrants are split into the two semifinals; the top 10 televote — phone voting and call-in voting — earners in each move on to the finale. The “Big Five,” along with the host country, Switzerland, automatically qualify for the finale: the United Kingdom, France, Germany, Spain, and Italy. The final results are decided by a jury vote among experts from each competing country and the televote, with each counting for half.
Ahead of the upcoming contest, I listened to all 37 Eurovision songs, watching their music videos or live performances. I ranked and rated my top 10 based on three categories: song, performance, and vibes. Song consists of the underlying quality of the music, performance is how much the artist elevates the performance with their vocals or showmanship, vibes is just vibes. They are rated on a scale of nul, a French term used to denote a song that receives no votes, to 10.
But, let’s start with the songs so bad that I must critique them.
Dishonorable Mention: Mariam Shengelia — ‘Freedom’ (Georgia)
Song: 3 / Performance: 7 / Vibes: 5
I genuinely had no idea what was going on when listening to this. Georgia’s entry feels less like an attempt at winning Eurovision and more like an attempt to confuse you. The time signature clearly changes at multiple points, and for some reason, the song switches from Georgian to English halfway through. Shengelia’s vocals are impressive, but not good enough to make up for a song that is unsaveable.
Dishonorable Mention: Marko Bošnjak — ‘Poison Cake’ (Croatia)
Song: 2 / Performance: 6 / Vibes: 3
This is another track that tries to do too much in one song, featuring a horrendously bad pre-chorus. Bošnjak isn’t bad and clearly has talent, but this is simply not a good song.
Dishonorable Mention: Yuval Raphael — ‘New Day Will Rise’ (Israel)
Song: 4 / Performance: 7 / Vibes: nul
This song features some of the blandest lyrics I’ve ever listened to, only partially salvaged by Raphael’s impressive voice.
Dishonorable Mention: VÆB — ‘Róa’ (Iceland)
Song: 3 / Performance: 3 / Vibes: 2
Throughout the three-minute song, I kept wishing that VÆB would just stop. But it wouldn’t. It just kept singing. It was awful.
While these four dishonorable mentions were terrible, most of the songs submitted this year were a thoroughly enjoyable listen. From Malta’s Miriana Conte “serving kant” to Ukraine’s “Birds of Pray,” this edition of the Eurovision Song Contest will be “laika party in the sky’ that will leave you wondering: “What the hell just happened?” Here are my top 10 picks this year.
10. Laura Thorn — ‘La Poupée Monte Le Son’ (Luxembourg)
Song: 8 / Performance: 9 / Vibes: 9.5
In 1965, Luxembourg won Eurovision for the second time. Its entry was “Poupée de cire, poupée de son,” a song about a wax doll controlled by a puppeteer. At least, I think it is, but I don’t speak French and don’t really intend to learn. Six decades later, in Thorn’s new song, inspired by the 1965 victor, the doll no longer lets the puppeteer control her. Thorn’s performance was fantastic, the staging was simple but well done, and the song is catchy.
9. Melody — ‘Esa Diva’ (Spain)
Song: 8.5 / Performance: 8.5 / Vibes: 9
The lyrics are mediocre at times, and feel kind of cliche for a song that’s supposed to be unique and empowering. Despite this, the song is catchy, and Melody’s performance is fantastic.
8. Erika Vikman — ‘Ich Komme’ (Finland)
Song: 8.5 / Performance: 9 / Vibes: 9
Toward the end of the song in the Finnish national final, Vikman stood on a giant floating microphone, singing the words “ich komme” over and over, and if that isn’t included in Eurovision, I will be very disappointed. Also, apparently, “ich komme” means “I am coming” in Finnish. The 69th edition is living up to the hype.
7. Louane — ‘Maman’ (France)
Song: 9 / Performance: 9.5 / Vibes: 8.5
Beautiful song, and Louane’s vocals are impressive. The end of the song, where Louane’s daughter says “maman,” is very cute. I’m going to assume that it means “mom” in French.
6. Go-Jo — Milkshake Man (Australia)
Song: 9 / Performance: 8.5 / Vibes: 10
It’s catchy; it’s weird; it’s chaotic; it’s arousing; it’s Australian.
5. Claude – ‘C’est La Vie’ (Netherlands)
Song: 8.5 / Performance: 9.5 / Vibes: 9.5
Even though the lyrics are a little repetitive, it’s catchy, and Claude is a fantastic performer. Hopefully, this one doesn’t get disqualified like the last Dutch entry.
4. Zoë Më — ‘Voyage’ (Switzerland)
Song: 9.5 / Performance: 9.5 / Vibes: 9
The Swiss entry following its victory in 2024 is a strong one. Më’s voice is gorgeous and emotional. While Switzerland is unlikely to become the first back-to-back champions since Ireland’s three-peat between 1992 and 1994, it can expect to perform well in Më’s hometown of Basel.
3. Tommy Cash — ‘Espresso Macchiato’ (Estonia)
Song: 8.5 / Performance: 9.5 / Vibes: 10
Things I’ve learned:
“Life may give you lemons / When dancing with the demons”
‘Life is like spaghetti / It’s hard until you make it”
“No stresso no stresso / No need to be depresso”
2. JJ — ‘Wasted Love’ (Austria)
Song: 10 / Performance: 10 / Vibes: 9
JJ’s voice is jaw-dropping. At first listen, it doesn’t seem to be spectacular. Then, the chorus hits. And it becomes clear why this is one of the betting favorites. If JJ can pull off the vocals live, Austria could take home its first Eurovision crown since 2014.
1. KAJ — ‘Bara Bada Bastu’ (Sweden)
Song: 9.5 / Performance: 10 / Vibes: 10
“Yksi, kaksi, kolme, sauna.” That’s the pre-chorus of Sweden’s 2025 entry, which literally translates to “one, two, three, sauna,” in Finnish. KAJ is from Finland, by the way, not Sweden, but the song is mostly in Swedish. The song is light, funny, and catchy, and KAJ’s energy is infectious. Also, I like saunas. A Saturday victory could see KAJ bring Sweden its eighth Eurovision victory, which would be the most in contest history.