DisreGuardian ‘Submission’: Please Quarantine your Publication

The headline of this article was updated April 1st, 2020 at 10:08pm in response to public feedback about a joke that failed to realize its human impact. This article is supposed to reflect bizarre criticism the Guardian has received over the years.

Dear Editor, 

I’ve f*cking had it with you and the rest of the UCSD Guardian Staff. You embody, no, you exemplify the art of fake news. In order to prove to your readers that you are, in fact, left-wing propagandists I have provided the following examples: 

  1. Not publishing Chancellor K—–’s email announcements and other business press releases as op-eds 

This one really grinds my gears. Yep, that’s right folks. The Guardian refuses to run our Chancellor’s own emails to students about what is going on as opinion editorials. Op-ed’s do not need opinions because these opinions are implicit. They also don’t need any more evidence coming from K—– Thee Chancellor himself. The Editors at the Guardian are just too busy spouting #FakeNews and hating UC S– D—- to help our boy out. 

The same can be said for business press releases. The Guardian just hates capitalism so much it can’t stand to support local businesses that aren’t dispensaries. Overwhelmingly positive product reviews sponsored by the company and notifications about events going on are clearly opinions, the Guardian just wants to see Bernie Sanders elected and the United States become the USSR. 

  1. Proximity to Groundwork Books and Support of the COLA Strike 

The Guardian office is awfully close to Groundworks books, the communist cavern on campus. Coincidence? I think not. My sources tell me some of them buy books from there and even have friends that work there. Thus, I’m sad to say, the Guardian, like all media, is a tool of Ukraine trying to tear down what has made America great again. Given their refusal to publish opinion editorials from businesses about their latest products, this should come as no surprise. As Supreme Leader Donald Trump often says, “Sad!”. 

Additionally, the Guardian’s support of the COLA strikes should make it obvious that they are, in fact, fake news. Graduate students at UCSD live in La Jolla, California, one of the most beautiful places in the world. My friend Henrietta, a graduate student at UCSD, told me she is so grateful for the ocean view she gets from her 2002 Honda Civic every morning upon waking up. Thus, all graduate students at UCSD who think they need affordable housing are wimps and the Guardian is even more wimpy for supporting them. 

  1. The Opinion Column PC Princess

This column reeks of left-wing propaganda. Not only that. But its name is misleading. I was originally lured into one of these articles thinking there was a girl I could call a stupid, ugly bitch in the comments. WRONG. Turns out it’s a boy. BOYS CAN’T BE PRINCESSES. To teach otherwise is to undo the bedrock of society: the role of men and women. 

I don’t know what kind of world the Guardian lives in, especially the dark lessons taught by PC Princess, but Ben Shapiro showed me the right way to think. Ben Shapiro taught me that “When someone calls you a racist, sexist, bigot, homophobe because you happen to disagree with them about tax policy or same-sex marriage or abortion, that’s bullying. When someone slanders you because you happen to disagree with them about global warming or the government shutdown, that’s bullying. When someone labels you a bad human being because they disagree with you, they are bullying you. They are attacking your character without justification. That’s nasty. In fact, it makes them nasty.” Don’t agree? That’s because you’re libtard snowflakes. #OWNED. 

  1. Wanting more Mental Health Resources 

Suck it up Zoomer. 

  1. Coronavirus Coverage

Stop telling people to take action against the coronavirus on your social media accounts! The coronavirus simply isn’t something you should worry about being that you are young, healthy, and your spring break pictures provide great spank bank material. Besides, if you act responsibly the economy will crash and the economy is more important than the lives of your parents, grandparents, and friends with pre-existing conditions. Additionally, the baby maker of the guy who owns Hobby Lobby had a vision that stores should stay open, and that everything would be fine. Case in point. 

Climax: 

Readers, hopefully I have convinced you of  the Guardian’s failure to be a “news” organization. They are Fake News. Period. For the sake of everyone quarantine your publication. 

For REAL non-partisan news and opinions consider following the Koala, my 8chan account 

SadIncel69, and Overlord Donald Trump’s Twitter. 

P.S Also, where the f*ck is Coffee Shop Woes for Caffeine Deprived Hoes Part 2, Coffee Shop economics through an intersectional lense?! It’s been six months. 

Signed, 

SadIncel69

The Sixth College Racoons 

Donald J. Trump and Co. 

Chancellor Bhosla 

The National Review 

Eleanor Roosevelt College (Yes, we exist)

Editor’s Note: The DisreGuardian is satire published annually for the Guardian’s April Fool’s issue. Opinion will resume publishing non-satire content next week.