After witnessing a triple-overtime Boston Celtics and Chicago Bulls game that will undoubtedly be entrenched in our minds forever ‘mdash; or at least until all the excessive drinking and sinning catches up with us ‘mdash; it’s a little hard to focus on baseball.
However, while digesting the Bulls-Celtics series, it’s time to complete the division-by-division preview for the National League teams as we enter the second month of the MLB season.
NL East Probable division winner: New York Mets. Keeping hope alive: Florida Marlins.
It seems like the Florida Marlins become competitive every six years, trading all-stars for young talent as their front office keeps piecing the puzzle together following the dismantling of championship teams.
After a sizzling start to 2009, there is no question the Marlins are competitive once again in the NL East. They’re putting forward a blueprint that, amazingly, other teams refuse to follow. The only logical explanation for why more teams have not done this is they probably feel like following the path of a Miami team will cause them to contract one of those diseases that many people from Miami, or travelers to Miami, come down with. You know, the burning kind. In your private area.
Speaking of genital warts, the Washington Nationals still suck. Adding Adam Dunn to a crappy team ju
st means a crappy team featuring the all-or-nothing potential of Dunn in every at-bat. Dunn’s lazy demeanor won’t be a positive influence to problem prospects like Elijah ‘Threatened His Girlfriend’s Life and Sent Her a Picture of the Gun’ Dukes and Lastings ‘Already Demoted’ Milledge.
The Atlanta Braves dominated this division for over a decade, and ‘mdash; even though they’re awful on paper ‘mdash; they’ll probably exceed most expectations. Nonetheless, the team lacks the depth to remain competitive in the East.
The Mets finally added some big arms to the back of the bullpen. With J.J. Putz and Francisco Rodriguez manning the eighth and ninth innings, count on some early wins ‘mdash; and then a little late-season struggle, when the New York atmosphere starts to take its toll on K-Rod’s already overinflated ego. New York’s core lineup looks strong again with David Wright, Jose Reyes and Carlos Beltran, and Johan Santana is an ace who should hopefully keep the annoying defending-champion Phillies from making another late-season run for a postseason spot.
NL Central Probable division winner: Chicago Cubs. Keeping hope alive: St. Louis Cardinals.
In a city that has become a haven for talentless pitchers wishing to turn around their previously hopeless careers, the Cardinals somehow keep on winning with a mediocre rotation that includes Joel Pi’ntilde;eiro, Ryan Franklin and Kyle Lohse. With Albert Pujols (hee hee, poo holes) in their offense, they’ve got enough pop in their lineup to make any starter a double-digit game winner at the very least. Thus, this team’s hot start can’t be discounted as just an early-season streak.
Overlooked by nearly all experts, Cincinnati is on the verge of being a legitimate contender. With Edison Volquez and Johnny Cueto ‘mdash; the two ‘baby Pedros’ ‘mdash; at the top of the staff, the Reds are definitely headed in the right direction. Joey Votto, Jay Bruce and Brandon Phillips would be good 3-4-5 options on any team, and will hold down the heart of order for the Reds. Although Cincinnati looks young and powerful, the Reds are not ready to contend in 2009.
Last year looked to be the season the Cubs would break their curse, but the Dodgers ended that pipe dream very quickly, sweeping everyone’s favorite losers (aside from the cast of ‘Rock of Love Bus with Bret Michaels’) in the NLDS. Chicago’s pitching staff ‘mdash; Carlos Zambrano, Rich Harden, Ryan Dempster and Ted Lilly ‘mdash; should carry the team to another division crown. Even if Derek Lee is sucking the life out of fantasy teams, the team’s offense is extremely potent with Alfonso Soriano, what should soon be a healed Aramis Ramirez and Japanese import Kosuke Fukudome (hee hee, fuk-u-do-me). Kevin Gregg doesn’t quite replace Kerry Wood, but look for the Cubs to take the division and add a fresh crop of bandwagon fans, hoping to be a part of the celebration when/if the team finally wins it all.
NL West Probable division winner: Los Angeles Dodgers. Keeping hope alive: San Diego Padres.
Don’t let the Padres’ hot start fool you. San Diego lacks an offense, and despite Jake Peavy and a healthy Chris Young, their rotation is just too dull to credit. Still, you’ll probably use this column as toilet paper anyway, so go ahead and pretend that the Padres still have a chance ‘mdash; it’ll make those all-you-can-eat-buffet seats even more exciting. Most Padres fans know or care very little about baseball anyway, making the Padres the perfect team for them while they wait for the next Chargers season to start.
The Rockies traded their best player (Matt Holliday) to the A’s for Huston Street (bust) and prospect Carlos Gonzalez, and are still a few years away from competing in the division again.
The Giants’ starting pitching staff does boast three Cy Young winners, but two of those three are washed up. Yes, Matt Cain is underrated, but Barry Zito’s high-school fastball and Randy Johnson’s mullet will not win many games this year. When your best hitter is Bengie Molina ‘mdash; whose man breasts bounce violently every time he rounds the bases ‘mdash; and you can only throw Tim Lincecum out there every fifth game before he inevitably blows out his arm, you’re in a bit of trouble.
Arizona still looks solid thanks to a strong minor-league system, but Brandon Webb is hurt and the team is still managed by Bob Melvin, who elicits about as much excitement from his players as hearing that they’re going to have to drive through Tucson ‘mdash; because that place sucks balls.
The Dodgers could easily win the division, with a stellar lineup and Manny Ramirez still feeling like he has something to prove to everyone who said he was crazy. Of course, Manny is crazy, but he’s also a great player, and will make teams regret not signing him many times throughout the season. Orlando Hudson was a key acquisition in an offseason headlined by overrated Yankee signings. Chad Billingsly and Clayton Kershaw are only getting better, and most teams would kill to have Jonathan Broxton’s heater and sideburns closing games for them.