In my junior (and most memorable) year of high school, I was lucky enough to find my name on a roster shoehorned with seniors who knew their fourth and final year had culminated in Mr. Ojeda’s ‘The Art of Film.’ Seeing as we spent half of nine months sitting slack-faced in the dark with our eyes pinned to the pull-down screen and the other half chatting about what we had absorbed the day before, the course was undoubtedly popular. Of course, I had been about as fortunate to land a spot in the class as my school had been to pay for it. So, because many students won’t ever get the chance to take a film class, the following is a brief guide to mysterious terms that any serious enthusiast should know:
Art house: Any film found ‘intriguing’ by feminists, the petty bourgeoisie, Europeans or Democrats. See: ‘Last Tango in Paris’
Avant-garde: A French term to describe films that value artistic creativity over coherence, revenue, sobriety and the director’s original intent. See: ‘Treatise on Slime and Eternity.’
Biopic: A documentary with fictional elements added for dramatic effect and actors often better looking than the real thing. See: ‘Ray,’ ‘Erin Brockovich.’
Blaxploitation: Films utilizing discriminated and often unemployed actors and film crews. Most put black actors into violently stereotypical and quasi-pornographic roles. See: ‘Foxy Brown,’ ‘Sweet Sweetback’s Baadasssss Song.’
Blockbuster (1): Any film that requires a sequel, marked by a supreme ability to suspend disbelief using exaggerated special effects, unrealistic storylines and computer-generated visuals. See: ‘Transformers.’
Blockbuster (2): A formerly popular video-rental store in the last stages of bankruptcy after Netflix took reign. See: Chapter 11.
Chick flick: Films marked by female camaraderie, emotional vulnerability and/or self-reliance; almost never over-analyzed. See: ‘The Devil Wears Prada,’ ‘The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants.’
Cult classic: Any film well-received by social outcasts ‘mdash; self-relegated or otherwise. See: ‘The Labyrinth.’
Dark comedy: A farce directed at cynics and other individuals who see the scotch glass as half-empty. See: ‘Death to Smoochy,’ ‘Repo Man.’
Documentary: A seldom-seen film that only gets viewed (and, even then, partially) when required on syllabi. See: ‘Hearts and Minds.’
Film critic: A member of the media industry who relishes in demonstrating how much smarter they are than you, directors, each other or the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences as compensation for their low salary and inability to make their own films. See: David Denby.
Film noir: A genre and/or style that emphasizes corruption (moral and civic), independent female characters, urban environments, murder and the color black to underscore the post-WWII anxieties of its mostly male, Caucasian directors. See: ‘Touch of Evil.’
Film theory: An invention by academics (even more pretentious than film critics) attempting to scrutinize the act of scrutinizing.
French new wave: A series of dissimilar films made by French critics in the ’50s and ’60s calling themselves auteurs as a way of concealing their inability to hire a film crew. See: ‘Une femme est une femme,’ ‘Le Beau Serge’
Indie: An overused adjective typically describing low-budget production, ‘quirky’ characters, occasional carpe-diem themes and nothing else about the film’s style, genre, narrative struc
ture, development or reception. See: ‘Little Miss Sunshine,’ ‘Juno.’
Italian neorealism: A characteristic style of films from Italy in the ’40s and ’50s that was abandoned after directors gained adequate budgets. See: ‘Ladri di biciclette,’ ‘Roma, citt’agrave; aperta.’
Mockumentary: Depending on the severity of the filmmaker’s misanthropy, this tends to be either a subversive comedy or an overpopular television sitcom about white-collar management. See: ‘Borat,’ ‘The Office.’
Romantic comedy: Generally heterosexual film in which audiences find humor in how awkward/ironic dating was before eHarmony, ‘To Catch a Predator’ and LiveLinks. See: Chick flick, ‘You’ve Got Mail,’ ‘Love Actually.’
Screenwriter: Any individual unaware that writing movies doesn’t pay the water bill. Often seen pecking their laptops at the Coffee Bean.