2.5/5
A prince under any other name (or symbol) would be just as charming ‘mdash; but then we wouldn’t get three discs for the low-low price of $11.98 at our friendly neighborhood Target branch, would we?
The devout Jehovah’s Witness and ghost of ‘Purple Rain’ barrels into ’09 without a record label, doing all his own marketing for a newfangled attempt to evolutionize pop (yes, again) with LotusFlow3r, MPLSound and protege Bria Valente’s Elixer. Most tracks ‘mdash; especially Valente’s pillow-talk fantasies ‘mdash; are still slimed in sexual innuendo, but one toe-dip in this pond and the greater-power agenda becomes brutally clear.
He’s an international wax-museum staple and famer of every hall ever, and still, he’s here to serve you ‘mdash; of course, never forgetting to serve himself in the meantime. He’s a kid in the ProTools candy store on jumbled space-age defect LotusFlow3r, and the unspeakably bland Valente installment exists solely so he can pretend he has boobs for a day, talking sexy through her lips like this is ‘Lamb Chops: Night on the Town,’ oversexed and underwhelming. MPLSound hits the most funkadelic groove of the bunch with ‘Kiss’ and ‘1999,’ albeit veering from Hendrix and James Brown into dangerously bubblegum blond
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There’s still time for Prince to rebuild his ’80s throne, but he better hurry: The fat 51 is fast approaching this June, and dude just doesn’t rock the leather thong like he used to. Lend him a hand, will ya? I mean, when’s the last time you did something nice for Prince?
‘The Morning After’/’Crimson and Clover’
If you take the devoted trek out to Target to brush hips with a life-size Prince cut-out and cop his latest ‘mdash; aisle-style, for the full spinnable, scratchable experience ‘mdash; your LotusFlow3r track three will be ‘Morning After,’ a My First Guitar Hero jangle so damn cute Kidz Bop won’t know where to tweak it. Prince may be the flyest second-decader in the biz, but sun-through-the-curtains heartache this naive ‘mdash; sung into a hairbrush on a ‘High School Musical’-goes-to-college pirouette across the bedroom, in fuzzy pink slippers for sure ‘mdash; is seriously pushing it. (How is it that the king of glam-funk is all of a sudden deeper in the closet than fucking Zac Efron?)
If, on the other hand, in an even greater pledge of devotion, you pre-purchased the trifecta on Prince’s swirly-ass opium-den Web site, your track three will be ‘Crimson and Clover’ (which has some ‘Wild Thing’ thrown in for dramatic stop-and-go, and electric shreds to remind us how awesome it’ll sound on the Target tour). Hard to go wrong with a love-hurts anthem this universally warm ‘n’ fuzzy, you’d think ‘mdash; but an over-Auto-Tuned falsetto salts even the most electric of the shreds into nothing more than a bed-bouncing air-guitar sesh. I mean, what does that say about the world, when motherfucking Prince think he needs Auto-Tune? We’d almost rather hear ourselves singing in the shower. Over and over’hellip; (SW)
‘Colonized Mind’
While we scratch our chins over which version of track three was supposed to feel more exclusive, ‘4Ever’ sneaks up for the crystal-clearest line of soul pain since original Sign O’ the Times’ big-love ballad ‘Forever in My Life.’ Unfortunately, the whole thing melts into a barfy puddle of terrible screeching chori ‘mdash; only halfway redeemed by parting words ‘Stop lookin’ at me like dat/ Unless you’re wanting me to bite dat.’ And just when we think he’s finally tossing the scripture for sexytime, first single ‘Colonized Time’ waddles out. OK, so both the Dems and the Pubs are not to be trusted ‘mdash; could have told you that ‘mdash; but now you say the only answer to the corrupt two-party system is accepting God into our hearts? Shhh ‘mdash; baby don’t talk. (SW)
‘(There’ll Never B) Another Like Me’
‘Another Like Me’ is a scene-stopping ode to Prince’s own relevance ‘mdash; a class-act Slim Shady wading through a fog-machine bank of cocky genius. ‘Ask your mother/ Your sister/ Your brother/ There’ll never B another like me’ he fires off, rapid, matched by the body of the beat and the shout of the crowd. And funky purple Princeworld is hard to turn down. He promises everything a material girl could ask for ‘mdash; even a sped-up version of ‘Whatever You Like.’ Trim the last 1:30 of random experimentation, and you’ve got perfection (no one really wants a six-minute dance song ‘mdash; unless it’s the next track. Or he’s playing in our living room). (AC)
‘Chocolate Box’
The ultimate radio candy ‘mdash; and not just for its title ‘mdash; ‘Chocolate Box’ captures Prince at his most courtly. As he giggles and sighs his way through a cacophony of wink-nudges, glistening sweets and nimble metaphors ‘mdash; panting pre-orgasm, a la Britney’s ‘I’m A Slave 4 U’ ‘mdash;’ he works ProTools to its electronic core. After cuing a ‘Hey Mickey’ beat with a super-smooth ‘Where the drums,’ Prince pulls out every skirt-flipper and electric zipper on the board, then does a saucy Stefani: ‘She want a B-O-X of chocolate every day.’ Together, it’s guilty-pleasure pop at its finest, and we’re falling hard. (AC)
‘Valentina’
Billed as an ode to Salma Hayek’s new baby girl (but really odeing Hayek’s rockin’ body) ‘Valentina’ is secretly the finest M.I.L.F. song ever made. (Take that, ‘Stacy’s Mom.’) Following the blatant flattery ‘mdash; ‘Your mama was a movie queen, she was one of the best/ Mexican bombshell come to conquer the West’ ‘mdash; his private fantasy takes off on shadowy, suggestive synths and probing guitar pulls. Reggaeton runs it to the bedroom, undulating with the simple-enough catcall, ‘Hey Valentina.’ It’s a rhythmic give and take, and Prince succeeds in loving Mama straight into next week. Wonder what Valente thinks about that. (AC)
Interview with Bria Valente’s Elixir
BV: ‘But seriously, I’m sitting down right now/ On the floor of the shower, just wow!’
G: OK. I was really wondering what it’s like working with Prince.
BV:’I’m a kept woman … He likes it when I dance for no reason/ But he doesn’t like it when I raise my voice.’
G: So … does that ever get weird?
BV: ‘He takes my breath cuz he takes his time/ He takes what he wants and that’s just fine!’
G: I don’t know, sounds sort of … stifling.
BV: ‘Two animals, spawning in a river/ They go there.’