One unforgettable evening in 1996, I stumbled, mid-channel flip, upon a program detailing lion mating habits. As my 8-year-old eyes popped at the furry mess of ferocious humping, I found myself exposed to the mysterious world of animal sex.
Whether your first encounter was via late-night programming on the Discovery Channel or a failed Internet search for some type of fetish porn, we’ve all witnessed animal intercourse at one point in our lives. But as we approach adulthood, scientific jargon has helped us distance ourselves from these rituals. Somehow, when your friend’s golden retriever humps your leg, he’s satisfying a natural urge. But how different is that golden retriever from your creepy neighbor with a leg fetish?
Humans aren’t so superior. And to prove it, I’ve made a list of some animal mating rituals that mirror our everyday behavior.
1) The bird of paradise, aka the showoff. In a semi-famous ‘Planet Earth’ clip, this male bird ruffles his feathers and screeches in an effort to get some. Once he finds a girl who will listen, he rearranges his feathers so he looks like an intimidating creature twice his size. Then he performs a dance the narrator describes as ‘a cross between ballet and boogie.’ Uninterested, the female flutters away.
This situation is painfully similar to parts of ‘Save the Last Dance,’ but also reminds me of all those tools in raised trucks who rev their engines and wear muscle shirts three sizes too small. In their transparent efforts to seem impressive (read: larger and noisier), they actually annoy all but the most senseless of girls.
2) The anglerfish, aka the freeloader. The male anglerfish is born with a hypersensitive sense of smell and a weak digestive system. By the time he hits puberty, he can barely process food and must sniff out a mate to survive. When he finally spies a female, he bites her, melds his mouth to her body and in a miracle of nature, the two majestically become one. Eventually, he withers away to a pair of gonads, and the female uses him solely for sperm.
This is a classic case of the relationship that’s too comfortable. We all know that girl with the jobless boyfriend who eats all her groceries and uses her for sex. Like the anglerfish, he’s probably developed a second sense for females with low self-esteem. He hangs around so much that he accidentally impregnates her, and then she’s forced to tolerate his laziness until he’s arrested for public drug use.
3) The garter snake, aka the slut. At the start of mating season, the female garter snake releases pheromones that attract hundreds of male counterparts, who then proceed to gang-rape her in a terrifying snake orgy.
This not only resembles actual gang-raping (duh), but also brings to mind that friend who wears too much perfume and hooks up with an indiscriminate number of people in one night.
4) The giraffe, aka R. Kelly. When a male giraffe wants to hit it, he literally taps his partner’s ass with his nose until she starts to pee. Then he gulps a mouthful of her urine. If it tastes fertile, he’ll start courting her.
Maybe the underage girl whose mouth R. Kelly allegedly peed into was a big giraffe buff and convinced him to participate in a biological experiment. That must’ve been why he videotaped it (for science!). Who needs a lawyer when you have an amateur zoologist handy?
If these examples don’t convince you that our mating rituals are just as ridiculous as those of the birds and the bees, you’re probably frigid and sexless. Next time you see some animalistic behavior, remember that no matter how strange our sexual fetishes, in the end we’re just mammals with natural urges.