This weekend, as I found myself howling down the Vegas Strip with a gaggle Guardian editors, our heads fogged and our stomachs empty, I was reminded of the cosmic importance and meaning embedded in the intricacies of buffet eating. Our annual trek through the city’s garish halls is a newspaper standard more fundamental than the Sun God masthead, and in the name of tradition we made our way to the Bellagio with just two things in mind: protein and desserts.
I was ready. I had perfected my game plan. And now friends, I’ll share it with you.
1. Plan ahead. Optimal stomach preparedness starts early. If you’re going to maximize food intake and enjoyment your body needs to be primed. So skip the midday Chipotle, no matter how much your cloudy senses make you believe you need it; no matter how much it beckons from your friend’s fiending grasp across the littered hotel room that 15 people, each in varying states of wakefulness, now share. Instead, grab some hearty recharge food early in the day, maybe even as early as 6 a.m. on your way back from a night of merriment, in a Vegas-decadent but dining-commons-cheap cafe your friend’s flatmate recommends. (And planning ahead doesn’t just apply to the meal, keep in mind that a full stomach absorbs more, so ration your pre- and post-game beverages accordingly.) Remember, you got into UCSD. If you apply the same careful planning that got you into college to buffet eating you can definitely succeed.
2. Don’t be sold on the very first one. After an hour or what feels like it in line for the big meal, buzzing with overstimulus and directed harshly by a secret-service-looking walk-space regulator man, you’ll be ready to pile your plate high with the first delight that crosses your path. But wait! Many a buffet casualty has fallen at the hands of the novelty bread trough, lured ruthlessly by the heaps of marbled sweetbread and pretzel buns. You paid $38. 74 for this carnival of luxury so take advantage of it. Don’t just settle down with the first charming starch who makes eye contact.
3. Know thy self. You’ll want to do this soul searching ahead of time (see number one) so you’re ready to jump right in once the aged hostess, angry that it took your party of 25 so long to figure out how to pay and even angrier upon her discovery that you’ve tried to commandeer two favorably positioned booths in exchange for the long separated tables she’s seated you at, gets off your back.’ In general, there are two buffet-eater archetypes: the person who sticks with the staples they know they like, filling their plate over with prime rib, sushi, Asian pears and flan; and the person who tries a little of everything, loading up on lamb, crab, Kobe beef, cranberry salad, salmon, turkey, mandarins, cheesecake, chocolate cake and a meringue-topped lemon bar. Whichever you are, remember to focus your energy on the things you’ll most enjoy; life’s too short for dull apple strudel.
4. If you’re feeling overwhelmed take a breather. Slowed by excess two or three plates in you’ll begin to question your commitment to the cause. Your throat will thicken, dry and cottony with delight, and you’ll lean back in your chair unsure of how to proceed. When in doubt, order a drink. The refreshing coolness of a simple lemonade will help cleanse your palate and restore your hunger for enchantment. Plus, by eating slowly and hydrating appropriately you’ll be able to savor every bit of the experience, while giving your body time to begin digesting and thus protecting you from that painfully heavy gut that comes so often with holiday feasting. Don’t worry; there is no shame in taking a break, collecting your thoughts and pressing forward with renewed enthusiasm. 5. End on a high note. No buffet trip is complete without at least one dessert plate, toppling over with cakes, cookies, tarts and ice cream. If you’ve followed the first four steps, this one should be easy, so easy that you might even feel cocky, tossing your sixth treat aside because it isn’t as appealing as the seventh looks.
Now inhale the sweetness of achievement in your warm smiling stupor and take a bow my friend. You dreamt it. You did it. You are a champion.