Behold: The United States Senate. An elected body full of men and women who have spent their entire lives dedicated to public service. A shining monument to the ideal of democracy that the Western world holds so dear. One might think that each Senate member works tirelessly to win elections by his or her constituents and battles it out with the best political savvy he or she could muster. No doubt our Founding Fathers implemented strict rules and regulations in order to ensure that those who receive the honor of serving their country in a legislative manner would properly represent the will of the people.
Unfortunately, if you have followed recent political news, you probably know there is more than one route to Capitol Hill ‘mdash; and these days politicians are getting craftier than ever.’
Let us start our examination with everybody’s new favorite Illinois governor, Rod Blagojevich. With the election of Barack Obama as president and the subsequent vacancy of his seat in the Senate, the job of appointing a new junior senator has fallen to the crafty hands of Mr. Blagojevich. Like any proud capitalist, the governor seized this opportunity as a chance to extract as much material wealth out of the process as possible. In essence, Blagojevich secretly perpetrated a silent auction of sorts to help choose a representative for nearly 13 million Illinoians. Unfortunately, when wiretaps and a federal investigation are involved, a silent auction turns into a very public auction. Needless to say, this alleged ‘pay-to-play’ scheme has not been well accepted by the public and Blagojevich’s impeachment has been put into motion. But rather than cower in fear and shame, our man Blagojevich has remained defiant, recently appointing longtime democrat and Illinois politician Roland Burris to the position.’
Like most Americans, when I first heard of the Blagojevich scandal I was appalled. His actions represent all that is evil in a democracy. I was gearing up to drive to Illinois and march on Springfield ‘mdash; until I saw him on television and fell instantly in love. Mr. Blagojevich sports a haircut that is simply second to none. The way his ultra-poofy hairdo refuses to blow in the wind defies all laws of gravity and is so impeccable that it must not be overlooked by the American public. Only a political god could possess such a mane. I believe Mr. Blagojevich should be acquitted of all charges, appoint whomever he pleases and obtain as much money as possible in the process. Not since Bill Clinton has somebody so obviously guilty looked so damn confident on television. So what if the man he appointed to the Senate was never elected by the people and constantly talks in the third person? Any friend of the Blagomeister is a friend of mine.’
Now let us turn to the political stronghold of New York and the vacant Senate seat of Madame Secretary Hillary Clinton. Apparently, the nickname ‘Empire State’ is not just a motto but a way of life as Caroline Kennedy has emerged as a leading candidate to fill the position. Yes, that’s right. Caroline Kennedy is the daughter of former President John
F. Kennedy and thus a member of the most fabled political family in American history.’
While the possible selection of Ms. Kennedy has elicited several complaints, I simply see no credibility in any of them. There is no doubt that as a Kennedy, young Caroline is endowed with the same political DNA that has pulsed through the veins of her legendary forbearers, making all accusations of inexperience and lack of qualification meaningless. I for one am looking forward to the first day of Caroline’s Senate career and the security it will provide to all those who call the land of Camelot home. I am nearly convinced that if there ever comes a time in our nation that a relative of the 35th president does not hold a place in government, the entire mechanism may malfunction. And with crazy Teddy seemingly on his way out, Caroline’s moment has come. All we need now is for Chelsea Clinton to be appointed to a Cabinet position and for Jeb Bush to be victorious in the presidential election of 2016. Some may call it aristocracy; I prefer to call it natural selection.
If anything, the Blagojevichs and Caroline Kennedys of the world have taught young Americans an important lesson. If you can’t achieve your goal of a Senate seat through an old-fashioned election, don’t fret. Instead, marry into a well-known family or better yet, just find somebody who is willing to sell you a place at the table of the most exalted legislative body in the world. After all, as the old adage states: If you ain’t cheatin’, you ain’t tryin’. At least the American people can rest assured that if some of our politicians are not particularly trying, there are certainly a select few who are cheating.