How-to Guru: Be An Effective Voter

If there’s one thing every UCSD student was preoccupied with over the last week, it was voting for candidates in the A.S. Election. Yes, the yearly campaigns stormed the school: On Library Walk, on Tritonlink, on your Facebook feed, on Tinder, Grindr — no one turned a blind eye to this massive process. Candidates took to every public place to tell you how they want to ameliorate campus, improve inclusivity and eliminate debt, climate change, disagreement, as well as all of the bad things.

That’s why we’re here to tell you readers how to be an active voter. Though it may seem natural to vote for who is qualified, who has tangible plans, realistic solutions and individual platforms, it’s become clear — and rightly so — that in order for the school to thrive, you really have to think about the big picture.

We’re talking one word: slates.

As Washington has proved in recent years, there’s a certain goodness to Congressional gridlock, a certain sanctity in stagnation, a certain beauty in bi-partisan politics. Why not, then, bring this American value to the college level?

As a voter, there are things that you simply must do.

First and foremost, pay attention to vibes as you research the slates. The vibe is vital. Say someone from the slate you do not support turns out to be different than other people on the slate — again, I’m asking you to imagine — and, for that reason, attracts your attention. Do not give into temptation. You’re better than that. We all make sacrifices for the sake of polarization. And if someone dares be an Independent, well, clearly they’re just some hipster with a political agenda who doesn’t truly care about change on campus. If they did, they would gladly subscribe to the way we do things here in college politics, and we would be able to either hail them or recycle them based on the people they’re running with. It’s not rocket science. It’s efficiency.

The next step is to head into the heart of campus to check for any remnants of The Guardian’s endorsement issue. If you find any, do not hesitate to recycle all of them. We mistakenly forgot to account for analysis of candidates on group membership rather than an individual basis, and we are so, so sorry for inhibiting any progress.

What’s more important than having candidates who are qualified and passionate about achievable goals is having candidates who kind of agree, or, like, both wear the same color of shirt when they campaign, right? We want the people representing the University of California at San Diego to look like one group, in terms of shirt color — it doesn’t matter if they have unified philosophies and values.

With many decisions, you have to weigh costs and benefits. But there are no downsides to slates. There are no tensions, no distractions, no grievances that have to be filed, no slandering. It’s pure action, legislation, progress. If you really care about facilitating change on this campus as a voter, it’s time to cut the crap, flip a coin and pick a side.