The Christian Lifestyle: Rave Etiquette

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Art by Alice Hsieh

What is the etiquette for raves? — Anonymous

There exists some semblance of etiquette for everything, period — lest we allow the contemporary Michael Derrick Hudsons of the world to bathe in their nihilistic solipsism. But problematic, self-lampooning poets aside, raves are not excluded from matters of etiquette. In fact, the unofficial “School of the Ravenous Arts” published a detailed journal not only lambasting the thought of an HBO “Suite Life of Zack and Cody” reboot, but also advocated for the increase in safety measure at raves over the past few years. While its proposals have been criticized for not being real or actually published, what stands tall with its argument is that safety is a critical priority to rave culture.

Whether your exposure to raves is limited to MTV’s “Faking It, Sun God, Coachella or LED, you need to keep hydrated. This is absolutely essential and cannot be stressed enough. Actually, it can be. Drink water. Drink water. Drink water. All right, we’re good. Drink water. Seriously. Drink water. As Ron Padgett would say, there’s nothing in that drawer — except for a bottle full of water. It doesn’t matter whether it’s tap, boxed, Aquafina or Mountain Express — if you think dehydration is funny, just wait until your skin becomes that of a raisin. If you’re thinking more “social strata” and less “self-aware,” then just remind yourself that being the one person that slurps off everyone’s water will shoot you to the priority “de-friend” list.

If you made it past the ticket scanning, then there’s a good chance you might see some “pill”-looking items in circulation. Note: these are not placebos. Also note: a physician is likely not distributing these, unless there’s a plague doctor in town. Be aware of what you ingest. Yes, that includes water — someone might spike that and you soon won’t be drinking water, but rather some acid or human vomit. If you do, however, decide to participate in ambiguously legal activities, then pace yourself and be aware of how your body is reacting. The last thing you want is to ingest some pill that forces you to become a space-time anomaly. Blendin Blandin does not approve.

There is nothing worse than letting a fuckboy snake between you and your friends. If you attend a rave with your friends, take care of them — this means not just gauging where your own spatial body is located, but also shifting this egocentric view to something more communal.

In summation: if you have a party, stay with that party and fight with them like this is the Hunger Games. Stay with your faction. Of course, you’re allowed to make friends, but there’s an obvious difference between a genuine conversation about how much you love Glass Animals and how obvious someone practiced their snake charming.