How-To Guru: Live Off the Grid

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UCSD students are wild creatures: nocturnal, emotionless and generally wearing trademark dark circles and eye bags so stubborn you could brew tea with them. Many even theorize that we think in ones and zeros. Decomposing in the computer science dungeon and hiding addicting energy drinks while our friends somehow manage to escape campus horizons is a pretty average day. However, with recent increase in surveillance security and breaches in privacy on our personal devices, it’s become increasingly clear that energy drinks aren’t the only thing I need to hide from sight (just kidding, NSA!). Here are some tips and tricks to help you protect your personal life — or whatever you call binge watching “Breaking Bad” on Netflix and then complaining incessantly about how little time there is for all your obligations.

In order to efficiently achieve total privacy from UC Surveillance, Thoreau away all your materialistic belongings and spend the rest of your days venturing Into the Wild. Channel your inner Chris McCandless. In fact, feel free to follow his footsteps and jump right into the Alaskan wilderness without shelter, food or water. While you attempt to not die, make sure to achieve absolute peace by getting as far away from human civilization as possible. Don’t take anyone with you. People suck. You know it, I know it. People are awful, persnickety things. Maybe take a dog, though. Who knows, you might get lonely once you lose your Snapchat streak.

If you’re not a rich, attractive white man like Chris McCandless, and you can’t afford to leave everything behind, look into living an absolutely normal life, just without any technology. Embrace the Amish lifestyle. For example, instead of your car, adopt horse-and-buggy transportation. It’s the perfect way to protect your personal information from GPS tracking devices. I mean, sure, you might face some difficulties taking care of the horse’s needs with school and work, but it’s not even comparable to the struggle you face every day trying to find parking on campus. And let’s not even talk about the traffic driving home on holidays. I think we all know this is the right decision here. You could even save some money on electricity and appliances by churning your own butter. Food is expensive, and you know you’ve been spending too many dining dollars on $11 nut blends at the market. You’re better than that.

Is your Internet history somewhere between “huh, that’s embarrassing” and “I would gleefully give up my firstborn child in order to have this demolished if it were taken from me”? Do you have a mild infatuation with Amish people? Did you take a Buzzfeed quiz that one time with your friends to figure out which “Parks and Recreation” character you are and you got Ron Swanson after only, like, five tries? If so, make use of these tips. In fact, go ahead and expose all your personal data before the government can claim it. Take the power into your own hands.