How-To Guru: Cyber Monday

Let’s face it: We barely have the motivation to get up and go to our 8 a.m. and 11 a.m. classes. Waking up at 4 a.m. to wait in line for Black Friday is impossible. Thought the walk from Revelle College to Earl Warren College was too much? The jog from store to store at UTC in 50-degree weather is even worse. Don’t get me started on how many students have risked their lives to find mall parking. If you’re upset from not being able to warmly and conveniently make your money rain onto slightly discounted merchandise, fear not: Cyber Monday is here to save the day. Looking at all the deals online can be an overwhelming task. Thankfully, the How-to Guru, much like office hours the day before the final, is here to help. 

Get all the deals and steals in stores, while sitting in the comfort of your own home. Don’t feel compelled to put on clothes or brush off the crumbs from Thanksgiving dinner. After eating so much the night before, it’s a miracle you were able to cram more food into your mouth than course materials before finals. In order to prepare for this enlightening day of online shopping, skip all your classes on Monday. Although we’re only a week away from finals, remember that the investment in a new coffee maker will pay off with higher grades in the long run. Those Amazon Lightning Deals won’t wait for you to catch up, and besides, you don’t need the distraction of someone trying to explain complex concepts on a blackboard while you’re trying to purchase the last Xbox or PS4. 

When trying to prove your worth and merit to your family over Christmas vacay, you might be feeling down (like your grades). Cheer up. By choosing to shop on Cyber Monday instead of on Black Friday, you are no longer participating in a violent mob of shoppers. No longer will you rush into a store or wrestle an iPad out of a four-year-old’s small, clingy fingers. You’re too good for that. Aspire to be like a young, geekier version of Batman, saving lives with the help of discounted techno gifts. Hit the sales section on ThinkGeek.com. You can’t go wrong with a discounted USB pet rock, green and blue Star Wars lightsabers and a Groot plush toy. Heaven knows how these gadgets may come in handy when you single handedly save the world.

Now give yourself a pat on the back for finding one of the best bargains on the web. Once again, the How-to Guru has given students more sleep, more savings and more deals. As Drake once said, “Once you go Cyber Monday, you’ll never go Back to Black Friday.” In a stressful time full of finals, essays, projects and deadlines, Cyber Monday serves as a source of relief for broke students nationwide. During this period of Thanksgiving, we should be thankful we can consume even more with less effort. If that’s not being American, I don’t know what is.