The Christian Lifestyle: Advice Column

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Art by Alice Hsieh

After provoking American Airlines and Southwest to duke it out for his plane ticket on Twitter — the decisive factor being the former’s offer to role-play Old Hollywood with apple juice — Christian Gerard Gella had a hint that running an advice column could be equally as entropic. After tearing businesses down on Yelp, critiquing Wall Street’s large chain corporations one CVS Pharmacy at a time and failing to garner any traffic, he decided that a better plan of action would be to uplift people rather than mangle with overzealous CEOs. Gella — pronounced closely to “hell ya!” — aspires to one day be a television screenwriter, but for now, he’ll dish up a load of snark on command, even though he claims to be as empathetic as a Golden Retriever.

How can I be more social and find more opportunities to network? — Anonymous

Being social and networking are two entirely different entities — perhaps distinct in a way that brings up the timeless ol’ cliche of apples and oranges. One is the basic Sims need: an assurance that you won’t go crazy talking to some Five Nights at Freddy animatronic during a particularly dull class. The latter is what people believe will lead to their next job at a gentrifying start-up tech company in San Francisco. In theory, networking should help you feel more confident moving into the job market, knowing your friends are steering the nautical of a sinking ship with you.

Joining a cult nowadays is a surefire way to be BCBG — that’s French for posh and preppy. These lovely aggregates of people come in all kinds of shapes and sizes — as small as two people over a coffee cup of pure creamer to people huddling together like flamencos in a ritual dance. Being social can easily be postulated by game theory, which statistically makes it a 50-50 for you to make a friend. What’s more important, however, is that you make quality friends who are connoisseurs of the great things in life: Jane the Virgin, deep philosophical questioning of the universe and giving free rides to the airport. In order to make friends like these, consider being open with your interests. Wear that Colgate T-shirt to show that you are proud of that smile. Publically scroll through Tumblr in hopes that someone will catch you and exclaim they have the same interests. Flail your arms in public, then narrow down your choices from who hasn’t left the vicinity.

Networking follows a similar praxis, though it might be of interest to find people who share a goal or passion with you. The formula just requires water: Stumble into a room of people — they usually have set, organized times online — and start mingling. The most important thing is to put yourself out there with impunity.

Need any advice on acclimating to UCSD? Struggling with a nasty case of the break-up? Need better ways to burn a tuna melt sandwich? Email [email protected] with your questions and your anonymity, if wanted, and we’ll answer as many as we can!