How-To Guru: Be a Social Media Celebrity

Courtesy of Wikimedia Commons.
Photo courtesy of Wikimedia Commons.

Social media is an unavoidable part of the college experience. It’s assumed that you must be on Facebook, Twitter, Snapchat and Instagram, or you’re probably some kind of caveman living in complete isolation. If you do not post selfies and filtered pictures of your lunchables on a daily basis, then say goodbye to any hope of obtaining complete popularity. If you are to achieve prominence as a celebrity student on campus, be sure to take the following tips in this handy-dandy guide to mastering the art of social media to heart.

To begin, use Facebook and Twitter as your personal political campaign. Rant about the mistreatment of puppies in Korea, the unfathomable state of America and your passionate feelings on abortion. Frequently post traumatizingly graphic photos to support your messages. If anybody should comment on these posts, immediately respond. Don’t bother checking grammatical mistakes or fretting the details. It is paramount to your success that you are available on social media 24/7. This shows passion and commitment that social media users can admire and respect.

Next, document everything about your life. Don’t allow one valuable second to pass by without photographic evidence. Even if something seems insignificant, err on the safe side and take a picture. Your followers may lose interest in your existence if you do not provide constant proof of it on Instagram. Some key moments to take selfies include taking an adorable nap by yourself, eating a Chipotle burrito and getting drunk at a party.

Pro Tip: There’s no point in editing out the red cups in your photos. Employers like to see proof that you possess the social skills to frequent networking events. What better way to show them than to feature pictures of yourself chugging a keg on your profile? If you ever “experiment,” there’s no need to hide this. Proudly display your wild party animal pictures and   enjoy all the doors that will open for you as a result.

Sooner or later in college, your life may take a dark turn. Perhaps you’ll be jilted by a partner or fail to get an A in that biology class. Either way, you’ll need to communicate your anguish on social media, and song lyrics are perfect for this. There’s no need to use your own original thoughts when you can simply regurgitate the creative products of other people. Sometimes it’s helpful to post an entire music video, with a simple caption like, “This vid is SO me right now, guys.” When people try to comfort you, just say, “I don’t want to talk about it.” The mystery of your life will enthrall everyone. Constantly vague, moody statements will serve to deepen the enigma that is you.

After completing all these steps, congratulations — you should be the center of attention. If trolls spam your newsfeed with insults and remarks, simply smirk and reassure yourself with, “Haters gonna hate.” Now type, post, spam, tweet and enjoy the constant feed of validation into your giant ego.