How-to Guru: Liberate Yourself, Go Braless

What better way is there to make a difference in the world than to go braless? It’s as easy as taking off a bra. Of course, there are other concerns distracting us from these intimate matters: the state has no water, UC Regents are running out of money and those motorcycle gangs are going crazy in Texas. But ultimately, none of those issues are as relevant to our lives as going braless. Luckily, we can make a physically sustainable, significant change in society. That is why we’ve created this handy guide for you to go braless.

Step 1: Unsnap your bra and take it off. This will feel rebellious and cool, like you’ve broken some unspoken law. Now wear an uncomfortably tight tank top that molds itself to every detail of your breast tissue. Make sure to wear plain jeans and converse, as it would be a shame to draw attention away from the outfit’s statement. Then leave your apartment quickly, forgetting to bring a cardigan. Remember: this movement is not about comfort, or freeing women to choose whether or not they want to wear a bra today. It’s about making sure your girls are out there for everyone to see what you’re doing. While you and your protruding nipples are shivering, take pride in the fact you are getting your    point across.

Step 2: Tell everybody! Share your newfound freedom with the rest of the world. While you stand in line for the Nobel/Arriba, hug your friends and let them know you’re a liberated woman. When pressed for details, tell them it’s actually very personal and you’re not comfortable discussing this out loud. After the shuttle arrives, pleadingly let the driver know that you need to have a seat because standing by the poles could be dangerous today. If there are too many quick turns on the road, you might give somebody a black eye.

Step 3: Judge other women for not being radical enough to free their nipples like you did. Troll the internet, starting arguments on Facebook, Twitter, and Yikyak to protest all the women who aren’t as brave as you are. When a lady chooses not to wear a bra this is a life-altering decision and a basic birthright that every woman should have. But if they aren’t picking the right choice, they might need an insightful lecture about what a bunch of conservative prudes they are. This should set them straight. After all, taking off a bra is so easy that there’s really no excuse not to.

Don’t worry gentlemen — we haven’t forgotten you. Men can also benefit from this guide by carefully sharing the aforementioned tips with all of their female friends. It’s also helpful if the next time they see a woman without a bra, they put an arm around her shoulders, lean in closely, make deep penetrating eye contact and then firmly say, “I support you.” If this results in a slap across the face, don’t take it personally. With these guidelines, men and women can make a valuable contribution to society. Remember, every bra (or lack thereof) is like a vote. Let’s all vote for gender equality and transform the world.