So you and your girls have decided to go out and party like you’re on an episode of “The Hills.” Where should you go? How much money should you throw away? Our handy-dandy guide will help you determine all of that as you plan your perfect evening out.

First things first: Before you leave, make sure you put on the highest, most toe-pinching heels that you own. Forget the fact that your game plan includes walking between two to three different locations. You want your calves to look super toned as you stumble up and down the block, tripping over curbs and randomly cobbled streets. For bonus points, wear a dress that rides up as you walk and add some complicated elastic undergarments to keep it all together. You want to be as uncomfortable as possible because there’s nothing sexier than having to re-adjust your outfit every four minutes.

Next, pick the most overpriced, tourist-filled neighborhood in your city and go out on a weekend night. This will ensure that you have the longest possible wait for that trendy restaurant that has exactly six tables. If you’re lucky, you’ll get seated at the awkward outdoor patio bar so you can’t actually talk to your friends and eat your food at the same time. Surely the discomfort is manageable because the place serves water out of mason jars. And don’t worry — the awkward, crowded atmosphere doesn’t end when you leave the restaurant because this neighborhood has every kind of bro, club promoter and mid-life crisis-facing dad out and standing around on the sidewalks you’re trying to walk on.

Your next stop is a bar that plays live music because the best bonding experiences happen at places where it’s too loud to actually hear each other. When you get to the bar and face the unsmiling bouncer, make sure someone in your group forgets their ID so you have to change plans mid-outing. There’s nothing more fun than frantically scrolling through Yelp looking for a restaurant that serves drinks, desserts and admits underage patrons as you shiver on the curb.

Finally, if you’re going to an area of town that features pedicabs, you’re definitely going to want to ride in one. Nothing says class like a flashing, bike-powered wagon driven by a man who probably had a promising career in his home country. He’ll take one look at you and your friends and hit play on his “White Girl Wasted” playlist so you can ride around town losing your dignity to the sound of Iggy Azalea’s “Fancy.” Who cares if that half-block ride costs $30? It’s justified because you certainly wouldn’t have made it up the street in the ridiculous shoes you picked out.

If you follow our guide, you’re going to have an unforgettable night out with your girls, with enough selfies to make up for the fact that you forgot everything after 11 p.m.