How To: Successfully Fail Your New Year’s Resolutions

Welcome back, Tritons! You have successfully survived the 2014 holiday season, only to come out on the other end with winter quarter looming. Despite being the coldest, bleakest quarter of the year weather-wise, it comes at the start of a new calendar year, representing a (somewhat) clean slate for those of you who want to leave 2014 very much in the past. Best of all, everyone around you is also going to be struggling to keep their records clean and stick to their new year’s resolutions. And as everyone knows, misery loves company. In that spirit, we have written you an easy-to-follow guide to sticking to your guns and seeing those resolutions through to the very end of the quarter at least!

First, make sure you set completely unreasonable goals. Are you stepping on the scale to find yourself 50 pounds above your desired weight? Better decide to try and lose all those pounds in the first three weeks of the year. Have you accumulated a GPA that is 0.5 points too low? You had better recover the entirety of those points in one quarter. Doing this will assure that you almost certainly disappoint yourself and never try to accomplish anything of substance ever again.

Next, do not, under any circumstances, share your resolutions with anyone other than yourself. Not only are your friends’ resolutions probably better than yours, but sharing yours will create accountability, and with accountability comes the pressure to actually see things through properly. If you keep your resolutions to yourself, then no one will have to know about that one Friday you skipped going to the gym to party instead or that one week you don’t actually study for the weekly physics quizzes and binge-watch Netflix instead.

Having completed both of the above tasks, your final step is to overbook yourself in every possible way. If your resolution is to work out more, make sure to leave no free time during the week to hit the gym or, better yet, pack your schedule to the point where you are so exhausted in your free time that you cannot bring yourself to work out. If you are attempting to spend more time with friends or trying fun new activities, fill up your schedule and tire yourself out, but also make sure not to respond to texts, phone calls or Facebook messages asking you to hang out or come to some event or activity. Those of you trying to raise your GPA, make sure to sleep through all your classes. And most importantly, the moment you start to slip, give up on your goals completely.

Rest assured, if you follow our guide to the letter, you will have no trouble keeping your new year’s resolutions whatsoever. Your friends, if they ever find out about your resolutions (which they shouldn’t), will be in awe of your motivation and willpower. We hope you have a wonderful beginning to 2015 and a fruitful winter quarter!