The Four Ways to Ruin a Blowjob

    Rare as they may be, they make for great stories and, hopefully, even learning experiences for anyone lucky enough to have skipped undergoing it themselves. While the mistakes are obviously few (due to my prodigious levels of smoothness), I figured narrowing them down to one specific genre would be the best way to go. I present: four ways to ruin a blowjob.

    Number one way to ruin a BJ: insecurity. This is the most ambiguous problem, but it’s also the most prevalent. A lot can be overcome or forgiven when approaching with a go-get-‘em attitude, and much can be lost to hesitation and worrying that you aren’t good enough. The shyness can come from a first-time attempt with a new partner or simply the first time overall, but for either, the best thing to do is own it. There are going to be weird noises or coordination mishaps no matter how smooth you are, so the best thing to do is to keep on keeping on. Don’t balk and panic and wonder if you look like some sort of idiot now. It’s not nearly as bad as you think it is, because most people won’t try — or won’t be able, for that matter — to analyze your technique. Continue on as if nothing has happened. Remember all those tips you’ve surreptitiously read on the Internet, and never pause to ask “Are you having fun?” with an anxious face, because I can assure you that no one is having fun at that point (not that I’ve ever felt nervous or anything before — certainly not).

    On this topic, though, don’t perform oral sex if you don’t want to — no one is going to enjoy it if all you can think about is, “I wish I could be eating ice cream/reading a book/plucking my eyebrows” instead of doing what you’re doing. It’s okay to say no if you aren’t feeling up to it. Wait for the moment when you feel comfortable so you can bring enthusiasm to the game. That way, everyone wins, and no partner leaves feeling frustrated.

    The second is perhaps the most obvious: Don’t get your teeth involved. Of course, this should be taken with a grain of salt, because there are, no doubt, people who are into that sort of thing — and we don’t want to preclude their tastes, either.

    Communication is key here, for those folks that are into nibbling: Don’t be afraid to mention it. That aside, plenty of people become fearful at the mere mention of teeth near their junk, so it’s important to keep that in mind. Jaw strain can be taxing, but so is making your partner jump and make all manner of unpleasant sounds. If you find yourself getting tired, switch to a different form of stimulation to avoid any accidental grazing or frowns directed your way.

    The third way to ruin what would otherwise be a good time is to somehow end up with semen in your nose. This might sound difficult to do, and even unlikely, but leaving it to the realm of impossibility will only surprise you when it does happen. Unless you laugh at an inopportune moment — which is possible — it will more likely happen as a result of an unlucky contortion or odd positioning. Do not tilt your head too far forward; it’s not worth it. In the event that you fail to listen to your wise columnist, feel free to panic and get a tissue or several, which will likely be necessary. Don’t start blaming anyone, since it just happened as a product of circumstances and not malicious forethought. In the event that it was malicious forethought, you’ve got the right to be angry, but the burning will stop eventually. Laughing will save your pride more than getting upset — trust me.

    The most grievous way to ruin a blowjob is by calling it a “blowie.” Seriously. Don’t do that. Ever.

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