Thailand

Cheap beverages and sweet threads aren’t the only charms of Southeast Asia’s backpacking Mecca. Thailand’s got everything you could ask from an exotic tropical climate: luscious green jungles, long glistening beaches and enough ancient monuments to make a historian jizz his cargo pants. Here’s a guide for those who’d like to spend a month or two meandering these hot and sweaty lands with purpose to explore and propensity to party.

First, fly into Bangkok. Check into a hotel just off infamous tourist hotspot Khoa San Road. (But not on it — it’s expensive. Don’t pay more than about $13 per night for a hostel.) A night out should start at a bar a block or two from the flurry — your dollar will go farther in a place where menus aren’t written in English and bartenders don’t have to be polite.

Spend about a week in Bangkok, half-drunk and blabbering. Shake out all of your embarrassing American tendencies. There’s no place more supportive of your wildest Southeast Asian fantasies than the country’s capital — just ask the stars of the city’s infamous ping-pong shows. You’ll get an answer in the form of a vagina-propelled dart.

When it comes to transportation, know what you want before you step into a tuk-tuk carriage. While on the prowl for a ride, an eager English-speaking local gave me three tips to help me get around the city: 1) Tell your driver exactly where you want to go; 2) tell him how much you’re willing to pay (don’t be afraid to “negotiate”) and 3) tell him you don’t want to go shopping. Though you may, in fact, want to peruse a marketplace or two, my third point is imperative to avoiding a long and uncomfortable conversation with a Nepalese tailor. It doesn’t matter how many “sexy beers” he gives you, it’s not worth spending time and money on a custom-fitted pinstriped suit.

When the full moon approaches and you’ve had your share of fear and loathing in Khao San, head south to Thailand’s tropical islands. Skip the bar-girl haven of Phuket and make your way toward Koh Phangan. Every full moon, travelers gather to partake in the word’s biggest beach party. Arrive a couple days early, order some whiskey buckets from a stand labeled “Brad Pitt Love Me Long Time” and get out before the onslaught of ravers ruins your fun — the difference between 10,000 drunks on the beach and 25,000 drunks is intolerable.

After a string of parties in Koh Phangan, either waste time hopping around secluded beaches or make a clean break from the boozy spring-break crowd. I recommend the latter — heading to the North will help you wiggle from the Southern Thailand’s Cancun-like spell, and get to know the country for its people and history.

For your first history lesson, stop at Sukhothai, a tiny village in the lower North known for its acres of ancient ruins. Embrace the community’s relaxed way of life: Rent a bike to tour the national parks in the area. While basking in the peaceful outdoors, keep your eyes out for Bhuddas scattered between lakes and trees.

Depending on how much time you’ve got left, you can either continue to another tiny village or head to Chiang Mai, the biggest city in the North and a proverbial middle finger to Bangkok’s smelly sprawl of noise and commerce. Chiang Mai’s known for its giant artisan markets and close proximity to jungles and waterfalls. Perfect your curry-making skills with a cheap cooking class, or go luxurious for a full-body massage from an institution of the blind (their extra-sensitive touch gives them an edge).

Consider a two-day trip to Pai — a little hippie town way up in the healthy green hilltops — for an extra dose of natural scenery. The village has few enough stoplights that you can count them on one hand, surrounded by hot springs and warm, flowing waterfalls. Usually, I’d recommend you stay at a hostel, but when visiting Pai, one must irrefutably stay at the Darling Viewpoint Inn. Though slightly infested with bugs, this elevated bungalow hotel has the best view of the city and the friendliest host in town — a cheerful native who goes by the name of, you guessed it, Darling.

Oddly enough, she’ll call you Darling, too, and load you in the back of her truck for a trip to the hot spring, where you’ll boil corn and bath in candelight. When you’ve flown the nest, you can spend your free time drinking mushroom shakes (yes, the special kind) and listening to lady men sing in the Pai cafes.

After that, it’s up to you. Either wander from village to village in search of something cool, head back to Bangkok or take a rickety old boat into Laos. But don’t leave without at least one night of too much rice whiskey and grasshoppers — you’ll never find a drunk, nor insect, so delectable.

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