Stoner steps

    Last week as I idly flipped through the channels at 3 a.m. and cursed the brain-numbing, hour-long trout-fishing competition on ESPN, I stopped on CNN to watch its sports update.

    After covering Mike Tysons umpteenth return to boxing, the announcer mentioned results in “”skeleton”” and I thought to myself, “”shit, the fucking Olympics are going on.”” Then I shrugged and went back to watching “”BattleBots.””

    I do not care about the stupid Winter Olympics. I do not care about watching frozen people compete in so-called sports. The “”sports”” are individualized competition, designed to see who is able to not screw up the biggest race out of the thousands in their lives.

    I do not care about athletes whose names I have trouble reading. I do not care about the skeleton event or the biathlon. I do not want to watch people ski cross country.

    Why don’t those dumbasses just buy a snowmobile? I don’t care about curling. Do they really call people who have to frantically sweep ahead of the stone “”athletes?”” I don’t care about nordic combined or short track skating. I … don’t … care.

    Well, there is one exception. Irina Slutskaya, I sincerely wish I knew you and that you were a friend of mine so I could call you “”Slut”” for short.

    But seriously, my point is nobody cares about these events; few Americans even know what the hell they are. I’ll admit it. I had to look up what the skeleton is, and I know you would too. Where did these events come from? Why include these random competitions when nobody watches them or even cares about them?

    I think the Olympic committee members should take a few minutes from stuffing their pockets with money and terminate these events. Incorporate some new, exciting things that people might actually want to see. All right, maybe that’s unrealistic, but nobody is ever going to watch the Olympics besides all the men who like to ogle the figure skaters.

    Seriously though, how about including ice climbing? I don’t know about everyone else, but I would rather watch people crawl up sheer walls of ice than ski across the country for hours.

    Every year in Canada, there is a “”Sky to Sea”” competition, which includes skiing, mountain biking, running and kayaking into one big race. Half the teams never even finish. Now that’s a real competition, and I guarantee it would draw a bigger audience than the Nordic Combined.

    Now for all the guys I previously mentioned who like to watch figure skating “”because it’s really a beautiful form of art,”” relax. I’m not saying we should get rid of figure skating or speed skating, or any of the other exciting events. I’m just saying there needs to be something to fill the early morning television spot besides boring old curling.

    Until something is done about these, these, these … things that can’t even be called sports, people will not be interested in the periphery of the Winter Olympics. But hey, there’s always “”BattleBots”” to keep me entertained.

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